


Letters to Simon

by thiswillendinflames



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas Eve, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Letters, Light Angst, M/M, New Year's Eve, No spoilers from Wayward Son, Roommates, christmas break, secretly in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-08-23 14:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20244061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiswillendinflames/pseuds/thiswillendinflames
Summary: Simon spent his childhood wondering about his parents and questioning why they had abandoned him. With time he learns to move on and accept the truth, his parents didn't want him. But when he receives a letter that leads him to search for the truth, Simon will see that some things aren't like he thought.With his best friend, Penny, away for the next month, he doesn't see a better option than accept the help that his terrible roommate, Baz, offers to him. But spend time with someone he secretly loves and pretends to hate will be very hard.Together, Simon and Baz will look for answers and in the middle of this truce, more than one secret can be revealed.





	1. Chapter 01

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my new story, I hope you all enjoy ;)

Chapter 01

**Simon**

The luggage in my hand is heavy and makes me want to question Penny about what is inside. Clothes or rocks. But we're almost in the check-in desk so I don't complain.

"Are you sure, you're gonna be okay?" She asks after making her check-in.

"Of course, I'm 19, Penny. I can take care of myself."

"Okay. I'm just worried." She shrugs, what usually it's my move.

"Don't be. I'm gonna miss you of course. But think about the good side. You and Micah will be together for a whole month."

"I know. I'm excited, but I'm gonna miss you too." She hugs me.

"Call me when you arrive there, okay?"

"Okay. And you behave, and try to enjoy the Christmas break to do something more than be mad at your roommate." I roll my eyes.

"I'll try." We hug one more time and then Penny leaves.

My heart sinks with the vision of Penny leaving. I lied to her. I'm gonna be miserable in this month. She is the only friend I had, and without her here I'm certainly spending Christmas and New Year's Eve at my bed, watching something on Netflix. But of course, I wouldn't say anything of this to Penny. She was my best friend since we were 11 and since then she made the best to fill my life with good things, for her I was not the orphan kid who lived in an orphanage in the summer. I was just Simon.

And in this Christmas break, she would fly to Chicago to spend a month with her boyfriend, Micah. She had anticipated all her tests in college to go a week earlier, and she would miss a few days of classes after the break, which is a big deal to Penny. So of course, I wasn't going to ruin everything because I never was social enough to make more than one friend.

The trip back home is sadder than I thought it would be. I keep trying to plan what to do in this month. Penny is the one who takes me to places and forces me to leave my room. So I guess I really not gonna leave it in these days.

It's raining when I get to the college and in two minutes I already am soaked. Great day to forget the umbrella. I run to the dorms feeling the cold in my bones. Luckily my room it's not that far and soon I'm reaching the door.

I open the door and then I'm dripping on the wooden floor. And there he's. My roommate. Baz. The boy who the destiny put not once, but twice as my roommate. How unlucky I'm. Or he's. Whatever.

He's looking in the mirror but turns to me with an angry look, or what I think it's just the look he always gives it to me. He is dressed up, ready to leave. Nothing out of place. The bloody bastard, always perfect.

"Why you're flooding our floor, Snow? Doesn't know how to use an umbrella?" He rolls his eyes.

"It wasn't raining when I left." I say going to the bathroom ready to avoid him.

"We live in London, it's always raining." It's not true, but I think he just wants to be a pain in my ass, like always.

I ignore him and take off my shoes and socks, which was more than soaked by now. When I leave the bathroom, Baz already left and I sigh in relief. It was a terrible living with him. And I would know above everyone. I live with him since we were 11 and we were studying in Watford.

The story of how I end up in Watford it's a bit unbelievable for me even today. I lived in different orphanages and some foster family’s my whole childhood and then when I was 11, I received a scholarship in Watford, a fancy boarding school. The headmaster, Davy, went pick me up by himself and told me he wanted to help some kids with less money, but I never understood why he chooses me.

I was so excited to start studying in Watford, but once I got there everything it was different from what I expected. It was terrible at the beginning because I looked so out of place there. Everyone was rich, coming from the richest families in the country. And there was me. The orphan and poor boy.

When I was told that I would share my room with some other boy, I got my excitement back. I was ready to make some real friends, a friend I would carry it for life. We would have to share the room for the next eight years, so it would be like to have a brother.

But when the headmaster said my name after Baz's name I knew it'd not be like I wished. He looked me of a way that made me shrink and all the next years his hate for me just got bigger. In reflexion, I started to hate him too, and it was one of the things I most hated about Watford. The way Baz treated me.

So, I was relieved when we finished school, I was ready to never see him again and I know he felt the same. But how surprised and angry I was, and he certainly was too, when we saw each other in this same room. I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw me.

Or the way that my traitor heart, beat when I realized that we were gonna have to live together again. It was a bit confusing actually. It has been confusing since I was 15 and started to notice that my hate for Baz was less hate and more unsolved feelings. That I hated to living with him and having to hear him insulting me. But I loved to have him close to me, where I could see him, even if it was when he was sleeping. It was a bit pathetic.

I change my clothes thinking about how terrible is for me to be in love with my stupid roommate, that never will correspond to my feelings. And it was so hard, to see him every day, knowing this. Knowing that he'll never want even a simple friendship with me, so more than that is out of the table, for sure.

But yet, I can't avoid the fast beats my heart gives every time I see him or how jealous I'm feeling now, knowing he just left to be on a date with some other bloke that is not me.

I can't avoid love him.

And that sucks.

** Baz**

Thanks to the wet idiot, I remember taking my umbrella when I leave the room. I'm texting to my friends when the cold wind blows me and I regret not putting something warmer. But it was not my fault. It was Simon Snow damn fault. Why he had to come into the room at that moment?

I’ll always get impressed by how Snow can annoy me with the most simple things. The bloody idiot was my curse since we were just kids. It was unbelievable the way he always can get under my skin. And he didn't need to do much. Only appear in our room was enough. Does he have to look fucking more gorgeous with his wet hair?

When he opened that door, I wanted to go there and wipe the water from his face, lick the drop on his lips. I think he wouldn't like that. Not coming from me at least. His disturbed roommate and the person he hates most. Of course, some of that it's my fault. But I can't avoid it. Or I'm a prick with him, or I tell my feelings. And I can't tell my feelings. They are very far from the hate that Snow it's used to.

But it's hard. Pretend to hate him. Seeing him everyday and not just hold and kiss him. Not looking too much on that amazing and simple blue eyes. Or not to smile when he's smiling.

Yes. I'm fucked.

And desperately in love with that beautiful moron.

**…**

My friends wanted to go drink in a new pub, they can't wait for the end of the week to celebrate the end of the terms in this year. I don't think they have plans in appearing in their classes this week so maybe for them, college is over. Some years ago I'd make them go to classes, or at least I'd fight them about it. But now I don't care, they're not children anymore.

"Come on Baz." Dev yells over the noise. "The classes are almost over, and you just got here, you can't leave, mate.”

“It’s Monday and tomorrow I have a test, so you’re lucky that I even came.”

“We’re lucky?” Niall asks and laughs.

“Yes. You both should thank me for being in here." I stand up. "Now gentlemen, I'm sorry but, you'll suffer from the absence of my presence."

When I'm leaving I see a bloke staring at me. He's fit and when he sees that I'm looking to him he smiles, and then he stands coming in my direction, but I just turn and leave. I gave up having empty dates. At least for now. All the dates I had since I started college went really bad and everything I wanted was to go back to my room and spend the night reading a book. Not that all of the blokes were that bad, but they weren't Snow.

I realized that my hate for Snow was not hate, when he had started dating Agatha Wellbelove, one of the richest and prettiest girls of Watford. We had 14 years old, and we spend three years teasing and provoking each other, more me than Snow actually. But when he started to date Wellbelove, I felt terrible. It was like someone, Snow, had crushed my heart.

That year I treated him worse than ever. And I felt bad about it, but couldn't help myself. It was a reflex. I saw his pretty face and wanted to punch him for making me be in love. Luckily, for me, their relationship was over in six months.

I admit I was kinda expecting that they had broken up because Snow realized his feelings for me. But, of course, that was bullshit. Snow didn't have feelings for me. Well, he has feelings for me. Hate. I made sure that he’d hate me. And most of the time I regret it. But, if I had been nice to him, maybe we’d be friends, and I think that would be worse than everything. I couldn't stand to be his friend. Only his friend.

At least since he broke up with Wellbelove, I never saw him dating someone. What, again, gives me empty hopes. But I even know if he's gay. I mean, I don't think he's straight as I thought it before, what already is an advantage. But still. I'm not sure of anything. And I should stop thinking about him.

The walk back to the dorms is cold and I shiver in my coat, again regretting the decision of not putting something warmer. But I try to focus on the positive side, I already am close to my room. Our room. And I know he'll be there. Bunce went away today, I know that, and she's his only friend. So, he'll be alone in the next month. Probably stuck in our room. I try not to think about this too.

I take a deep breath and get into the room. For my luck, Snow's in the shower. I step in, but something catches my attention on the floor. I lean in and grab an envelope. It has something inside, I think is a letter.

I turn the envelope in my hands and someone wrote it in a sloppy handwrite: Simon Snow. The name, makes me want to drop the envelope on the floor, and at the same time makes me want to open it and see what is inside.

At this time, Snow gets out of the bathroom and almost trip in me. Only then he realizes that I'm back.

“Baz?” He asks surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I know that I always call you a moron, but I didn’t expect you to be that much a moron. I live here, remember?” I ask, still holding his letter.

“How could I forget?” He asks rolling his eyes. “I only meant that is early for you already be back.”

“Are you controlling my hours outside now?”

“No, you prat, usually when you leave on a date you stay outside for hours.” I take a hint of anger in his voice. Maybe I’m imagining.

“How do you know I was on a date?” I cross my arms while he sits on his bed.

“You always are.” He shrugs. I think I might be projecting my feelings here, but there is a bit of a jealous on his voice and then his cheeks get a lovely tone of light red.

There is a silence after Snow’s sentence. I don't know what to say. We never talk that much. In fact, this might be one of the longest conversations we had without throwing insults (not considering the small offenses) or punches in each other. I clear my throat before talking.

“This was on the floor when I got in.” I say leaning the envelope to him.

“What is it?” He asks, but don't take it.

“I don't know, it’s for you.” I say, shaking the paper in front of him. This time he takes it.

“It’s for me?” He asks, looking like the letter was about to get on fire.

“There’s another Simon Snow in here?” I ask ironically. He doesn’t say anything for a second, just looking at the envelope.

“I don't know if I want to open it.” He says. I want to ask why, but I don't.

“Then don't open.” I say rolling my eyes.

“I have to. I think is about my parents.” He says looking at me.

The sadness in his eyes surprises me. I want to sit by his side and hug him because I know that this was always a sensible thing in his life. The lack of parents. The lack of love. Not that he told me. I just know him.

He sighs and opens the envelope taking a paper on the inside. It is a letter. His eyes tear up when he starts to read. Okay, officially I’m curious about the content on that letter. I hope he tells me. My in love heart wants him to trust me enough to talk to me and to comfort with my words and arms. But, I only can wait, and do nothing while he reads and cries.


	2. Chapter 02

Chapter 02

**Simon**

When I was 7, and I had just learned how to read, a bit late, compared with the other kids, I received a letter from some stranger woman. I was afraid at first. I didn't have a family, and I hadn't made friends from the other homes.

But I read it in the same way. I didn't understand half of the text, but somehow I felt attached to that person I even knew. After some years, I started to understand what she was saying. The name of the woman was Ebb. She told me, she was a friend of my mother and that someday when I got older, I should look for her to know the truth.

Those words got stuck on my brain for months, I usually read that letter every day, until eventually I had to move to another home and I lost the letter. I was only nine back then, I never forgot it, but unfortunately, some words got lost to me. Like her address. For my terrible luck, she never wrote it to me again. So the only chance I had to find out about my parents was lost.

Until today.

I stare at the envelope Baz handed it to me, not sure of what to do. I don't know if I want the truth now. It has been so long now, that I stop caring about this. I just accept it the fact I was an orphan. That my parents didn't want me.

I sigh and open the envelope pulling a paper on the inside. There's two actually. I take the longest.

_Simon, _

_I can't wait to see your face when you started to read these letters. I think I won't be with you, to see it all. But still._

_ I like to imagine how you'll be in the future but at the same time, I can't imagine your face at all. I'm just so anxious for your birth, that I really can't wait to see you. _

_So, Ebb gave me the idea of writing these letters to the future you. To remarkable dates. It is nice to think about them. Your future birthdays, your graduation, your wedding and everything that already makes me cry. _

_This is the first one I'm writing. I don't know how many of it I'll be making it, so I don't know how many of it you already read it. But I want to start with this one._

_ It's not for any remarkable date. It's just for the days you'll miss me. Because believe your mother, these days will come. I may drive you insane sometimes, and I already apologize for that, but I know that in some moments you'll miss me._

_ I don’t know how old are you now, and how you look like. But I’d like to imagine you with my bronze curls, your father always loves it. Maybe my eyes too. I know I’m asking too much, but I want you to be like me, your father never deserved to be a part of you._

The paper is torn at the end, so I don't know the rest of my mother’s words. I feel the tears on my face. My mother. She wrote it to me. A real letter. This makes me cry harder, and then I start to miss everything I never had.

I wipe the tears off my face and then I catch the second paper, only a small note with some other sloppy handwriting.

_ I still am here to tell you everything. But maybe you should find out everything by yourself. Start in Richmond._

It was years ago, but I recognize Ebb’s handwrite. She wants me to find out about my parents. Starting in Richmond. The first place I lived in. The first orphanage I lived. I don’t know what to do with that information. I was still crying in my mother’s letter. I can't believe that she really wrote it to me.

I wipe my cheeks and start to read again. I don't know how long it been since Baz delivered me the envelope. I just know that I read the letter so much, that I already memorized the words. I even remember that Baz is still in our room until he speaks.

“Are you okay?” I don’t recognize this tone in his voice. He’s worried or just wants to tease me?

“Why do you care?” I ask, defensive.

“I don’t,” He replies. “I only want to know when you’ll stop crying, it’s annoying.” He says and goes to the bathroom.

Despite his mean words, at least this time, I don’t feel like he wanted to say it. He seems to be acting in defensive, just like me. But right now I don't care. I lay down, with the letter in my hands and sleep after some minutes, still reading those words.

** Baz**

I should give classes on how to act with the person you are in love with. I’m sure I would be a huge success. I want to hit my head on the wall. What is wrong with me? Why can I act normal around him?

I contain myself from going back to the room and apologize to Snow. I didn't need to talk to him like that, but maybe it was for the best. If he had told me about the letter, maybe I would comfort him and then he’d realize my feelings for him. For sure. He’s not that thick.

When I go back to the room, he’s already sleeping, or at least he's trying to, the tears are still wet on his cheeks and the letter is in his hands. I go to my bed and lay down. I allow myself to look to him now that he can't see me. He seems sad. I want to know what that letter was. I want to help him somehow even knowing he’d never want help coming from me.

I sigh. I don't know how I got so in love with him. It's not like he tried to make me even like him. But it's impossible to be immune to him, at least for me it is.

The first thing I remember liking him was his eyes. They don't have anything special when you pay attention, but I don't know, they are amazing in the same way. His eyes have a sparkle, especially when he's happy about something, that makes him even more gorgeous. When he's sad, this sparkle fade and I was only 12 when I realized that I missed this on his sad days.

His smile is a different show. When he smiles, everything seems brighter, better, it's like he illuminates everything. I like to observe him with Bunce because these are the moments he gives the most extraordinary smiles. I'd love to see him smiling in that way to me.

I keep looking at his face like I do in most nights. I looked to him so much in all those years that I already know everything about his face. I know better than my own. I actually know how many moles he has on his cheeks and neck, I counted. And I'd love to kiss it all.

I fall asleep thinking, not for the first time, in how it would be run my fingers through his hair. In kissing him and bury my fingers in those amazing curls, and pull him closer to me.

My dreams are all about him.

When I wake up, Snow isn't in the room anymore. I hurry to my phone, worried that I could have missed the hour of my class, but I'm still on time, Snow is the one who left very earlier. That makes me be concern about him.

I shake that of my mind and try to not think about him for now. I have a big test in an hour and should be worried about that. I keep repeating this in my mind while I get out of bed and go to the bathroom.

When I get to the room again, Snow is back with his breakfast. He's eating and texting so he doesn't see me at first. I look to him and he’s looking like shit like he didn't sleep all night. His eyes are red, maybe he cried more than I thought. He lifts his head when he sees me, but we don't say anything. I just grab my things and leave for class.

The whole day I try to keep Simon's face out of my mind. Even in my test, I couldn't stop thinking about him, thinking if he's okay. I'm not a total prick, I know he must be feeling terrible and the only person he would talk is on the other side of the ocean. Maybe I could talk to him, not as his friend, only for him to have someone to talk to.

** Simon **

The whole day sucked. I couldn't pay attention to any of my classes, and the only person I could talk about this is not here. And I wouldn't worry Penny with that. In a month she'll be back, I can wait.

I go back to the room at the end of the day wanting to lay down in my bed and sleep. Last night was terrible and I didn't sleep well. I do as I want and throw myself at the bed as soon as I close the door.

I'm almost sleeping when the door's open and Baz walks inside. I keep my eyes closed wanting to avoid him, I really don't need him being a git with me right now. I just want to sleep.

"Are you okay?" Baz asks for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. 

I lift myself in my elbows and raise my eyebrow to him. Maybe he cares about this, or maybe he just wants me to stop crying.

"I'm not trying to be a prick with you." He says. "This time. I'm not that insensible to notice that whatever that letter was, it made you be all depressed. But sometimes it helps to talk to someone." He says sitting on his bed.

"I know. But I won't interrupt Penny's trip to bother with all that." I say, laying down again.

"I meant me." I look to him and see him rolling his eyes. "I know we're not friends, and I'm definitely not asking that, but I'm your best shot here. At least I know you." His cheeks are with a bright tone of red now. It makes me want to kiss him. Okay. Focus.

"Okay." I sit. "But you have to promise not to tease me, or to make a sarcastic commentary.” I say.

“Have you met me?” He asks raising his eyebrow. I cross my arms to him. He huffs and says. “Fine. I’ll try.”

“Okay.” I sigh and catch the letter in my notebook. “So, when I was a kid, I received a letter from a stranger woman. She told me that she knew my mother and that if someday if I wanted, I could look for her and she’d tell me about my parents.” I say.

“This letter came from this same woman?” He asks and I nod. “Why you didn't look for her? I remember you talking a lot about your parents when we were at school.”

“I lost the letter, and then I forgot somethings that were written there, her address was one of them. But anyway, I thought I would never hear from her again, because how she’d find me?” I look to him and he actually looks interested in what I’m talking about. “But she did. I don’t know how she did it. But she did, she found me.”

“What did she says? In the letter?” I don't know why he cares, but I like to talk to him like this, so I don't ask anything. “If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to.” He says a bit embarrassed.

“No, that’s okay. Actually, she wrote it only a note, but she sends it with a letter from my mother.” I say looking at the letter again. “It’s not complete, the paper is torn at the end, but I never ... I never had anything from my parents like this.” I say controlling myself to not cry again.

“That’s nice.” Baz says with the softest voice I ever heard from him.

“Yeah. Well, Ebb, my mother’s friends, wrote it that I should find out about them by myself. She told me to start looking in Richmond.”

“Richmond?” He asks.

“Yes, the first orphanage I lived was in Richmond, maybe there are some files in there. I don't know.” I shrug and look to Baz again. “Do you want to read it?” I offer the letter to him.

“I don't have to if you don’t want it.” He says, I just shrug and offer the letter again, he takes it and starts to read.

I enjoy this time to look at him. He’s concentrated at the letter, so he doesn't notice me staring at him. His hair is loose and is falling in his eyes. I want to push it, put it behind his ear. I would love to feel his hair between my fingers. He looks a lot better now that he uses this way. In school, he used in a different way, it made him look like a vampire, a beutiful one. Now he looks more young and beautiful. And I thought that wasn't possible.

Now he uses more comfortable clothes too. I always imagine him at home with posh clothes, suits and all. But he dresses like everyone else. Of course that probably his clothes are way more expensive. And he does look a lot better than anyone else. And if I thought that Baz in Watford's uniforms was gorgeous, my mind almost explodes when I saw him in jeans and casual clothes.

He finishes the letter and delivers to me again. We keep silence for some seconds, I’m not sure of what to say now.

“That is a nice letter.” He says and he seems to be struggling to say something. “These are the things that I always reach when I miss my mom.” He looks like he’s gonna cry.

I knew that his mother died when he was a child, and I never talk to him about this. Well, I never talked to him about a lot of stuff. Maybe it was not a great idea to let him read this letter, which definitely made him remember her.

“I’m sorry.” I say. “I should realize that it’d make you remember of your mother.” He just shakes his head.

“I remember her all the time.” He shrugs.

**Baz **

This is the longest and deep conversation that Snow and I had in all those years. The letter made me remember of my mother, of course, but I said the truth. It’s not like I forget her. She’s always with me, and I always miss her. Her death was something that I never completely moved on. I never accepted it. It was so unexpected. She was not sick or old or anything. She slept while she was driving. And that’s it.

She hadn’t slept well at night, and in the morning when she was driving at work, she just slept and lost control of the car. Two minutes. That’s what it took to me to lose my mother. And I think that I’ll never accept this. Not entirely.

Snow is looking at me, and I can see a bit of pity in his eyes. At least I think it is. But I try to not think in my mother right now. We’re not talking about her. The subject is Snow’s parents, and I should be thinking of them, and how I can help him. Because I want to help him.

“So.” I break the silence. “Will you do it?” I ask.

“Do what?” He asks and I roll my eyes.

“Will you look for your parents?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. I swear half of his sentences are shrugs. “I kinda moved on about it, you know. I got used to not knowing who they were and accepting that they didn’t want me.” He’s so sad that I want to hug him. I want to tell that I want him. Always wanted. Like I never wanted anyone.

“But for your mother’s letter, it looks like she wanted you, she wanted to be a part of your life.” I say.

“Yeah. That’s a bit confusing actually.” He’s about to say something, but my phone rings.

“Excuse me.” I say when I see my father’s name on my screen.

I leave the room and go take the call in the hall, but I don't close the door, I feel Snow's eyes on me.

“Basilton.” My father says with his cold voice. 

“Hello, father.”

“I’m calling, to let you know that we’re going to Paris at Christmas. We’ll be waiting for you once you finish your classes.”

“Wait.” I say. “When did you decided this?”

“Last night. Daphne misses her family, so we thought it’d be good for us and the kids pass some days in there.” My stepmother’s family is from Paris.

“Okay, but I need to go?”

“You never refused a trip to Paris.” It’s true.

When I was younger we went to Paris frequently and I loved it. But at that time, I went there to drink and kiss blokes away from my father. But now I had Snow in here. Needing someone. I didn't want to leave him alone in the holidays. Not after this whole thing about his parents.

"I just have a lot of things to do here. I wasn't intending to go somewhere besides Hampshire." My father sighs.

Actually, I was expecting to stay there in the holidays, studying. Dev and Niall will take a small trip to Rome, they invited me, but I didn't want to go and help them to get girls.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" I look at Simon and he is looking at the letter again.

"Yes, father. I'll stay in London."

"We talk after the holidays then." He turns off without saying goodbye and I can tell he's mad.

But I couldn't care less about it. I was about to spend the next weeks alone with Simon, just the two of us. And I would take this opportunity to help him because I know he needs it. He needs someone. And I’d be this someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved the comments on the first chapter, hope to see it more.  
I'll come back soon ;)


	3. Chapter 03

Chapter 03

**Simon**

After Baz’s attempt at being nice, things got weird. Two days passed and I didn't know where we stand in our “we hate each other” drama. We talk now. Not like friends, we’re just being more civilized, giving “good morning” or “ goodnight”. We don’t talk about my letter anymore. And sometimes, when we start a real conversation, asking about the classes, or things like that, one of us ends cursing and threatening to punch the other, not that I would punch him, what I want to do with him it’s totally the opposite.

Luckily, the tests and classes were keeping me so busy that I didn't have time to think about the letter or about Baz that much. That was something to worry about when I had to go back to our room, at the end of the day. Or when we cross paths between classes, and I swear it seems that our paths crossed more in these two days than all those years we study together.

When that happened we usually pretend we don’t see each other. What is best than before, when Baz would throw an insult or a sneer in my direction and I would reply. So, I think we moved on a little from where we stand before. I’m just curious where that could lead us. More than curious. Hopeful.

At lunch, I’m surprised by a call from Penny. It was the first since she left, but I wouldn't expect any, especially at this time, it was like 6 AM there. I take the call in the second ring, anxious to hear Penny.

“Penny.” I almost shout.

“Hey, Si. I hope not be interrupting any class.”

“Of course not, I’m eating now. But you weren't supposed to be sleeping at this time?” I ask.

“That’s why I call. I’m going to California with Micah. I’m meeting Agatha in there.”

Oh, I had forgotten that Agatha was living in there. Agatha was my first and only girlfriend. We dated for a while when we were in school when I haven't realized my feelings for Baz yet. When we start to date everything was nice, but things became a little weird when I started to be more interested in what my roommate was doing than my girlfriend.

It took me a while to figure all out. I decided to broke up with her, even though she was great as my friend, we weren't right for each other, romantically speaking. She took well enough, I think she wasn't enjoying our relationship just like me, and we were still friends after we break up.

Things just got weird when she started to have a crush on Baz on our senior year. I got really mad about it, always trying to discourage her to do something about it, really afraid that Baz could actually correspond to her feelings. Agatha and Penny thought I was jealous because Agatha was my ex, but in fact, I was jealous of Baz, especially because in that time I didn't know he was into blokes.

“That’s nice. I haven't talked to her since our graduation.”

“Yeah, I know. I just want to tell you before you see on Instagram or something like that.” She stops for a second and then continues. “And also wanted to see if you were okay about it.”

“Of course I’m, Penny. We just went in different ways, but I still care about her.”

“Okay then. She also wanted to introduce me to her new girlfriend.” This was new.

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Are you okay?” She asks and I can hear the concern in her voice.

“Yes, I don't have feelings for Agatha anymore, actually I think I never did, but I’m happy that she found someone.” And also I’m in love with Baz, so I don’t care.

I never told Penny about my feelings for Baz, despite the fact I tell her everything. Sometimes I think she knows, but she never asked me and I never wanted to tell, because she would make a hundred questions and I don't want to answer. I even told her that I’m bi, something that I figure it out a couple of years ago.

“Yeah, it is nice. But tell me, how it’s everything since I left?” Her change of subject it's not subtle. I think she doesn't believe me.

We spend the rest of my lunchtime talking. I want to tell her about the letter, but I don’t. I still didn't decide what to do, so it can wait.

My afternoon is filled with classes and tests. I’m with a huge headache when I’m coming back to the room, and I still have to study for a big test tomorrow.

“Father, I already told you. I’m staying.” Baz is talking on his phone when I entered our room. “We already discussed that.” He lowered his voice when he sees me. “And I thought you already had bought the plane tickets.” He rolls his eyes to something his father is saying.

I leave my things on my desk and reach for my phone. It’s been only some hours that Penny talked to me, but I already miss her so much. I didn't want to disturb her, so I just send a short text.

S: “Miss you already.”

“I’ll see you when you come back. Happy holidays.” Baz says in a sharp tone and then he turns off his phone.

“Your father won't be home at Christmas?” I ask curiously. Baz arches his eyebrow at me, but answer my question.

“No, he, my stepmother and my brothers will go to Paris.”

“You're not going with them?”

“Not in the mood to go to Paris.” He answers catching his notebook. I frown to that.

"I think I'd always be in the mood to go to Paris." I say and it's true I never left London, so anywhere would be nice. "So, you'll spend Christmas alone at your house?" I don't know why I'm asking this.

"I'm not going home." He says reading something in his notebook.

"You'll stay in college?" I ask without thinking.

"Yes." He says without looking at me.

Okay. That means that Baz and I will spend Christmas break in our room, almost alone, since most parts of the students leave. That's not good. I won't be able to avoid him, not like I usually do. I can't think about that right now.

So, I don't say anything else and then I grab my letter trying to forget about me being alone with Baz. It works, in some minutes I'm already thinking about my parents, I'm still not sure of what to do. I was thinking of going to Richmond next week, but I was a little afraid of what could happen. What I could find. But I was curious.

"You decided if you want to find out about your parents?" Baz asks and only then I notice he's looking at me.

"I think I'll in the Christmas break. Or I'll expect Penny to come back."

"You'd wait?" He asks surprised. "I would be dying in curiosity."

"I'm, but... I didn't want to go back to those places alone. It's not like I have great memories of there." I don’t know if that is something I can say in front of someone who loves to make me miserable. But I do.

"Oh." He looks away. "I can go with you if you want to." He says with a low voice and I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"What? Why?" I ask. I shouldn't ask, I want him to come with me.

He closes his eyes, sighs and then answers.

"Look, I miss my mother everyday of my life, I'd do anything to bring her back. And my relationship with my father is terrible, it's like I lost him too in the accident. Everything I wanted was to have a normal family. And I think I never moved on of this idea." I want to hug him. "So, if you have a chance of finding your parents, or at least knowing who they were and have a family like you always wanted or just an ending to move on then it whorts." His cheeks are red. "Everyone should have a family."

"Yeah." It's the only thing I can speak. "I'm sorry about your family." He just nods to me.

We stay in silence for a while, I keep thinking about Baz's words. How terrible is for him. I clear my throat before start speaking.

"Yes." Baz looks at me again confused. "I want you to go with me, Baz."

“Really?” He asks surprised.

“Yes. You were right, we’re not friends, but we know each other long enough, so you're my best shot now and you are kinda very smart so you would be very helpful.” I feel my cheeks burning.

“I’m very smart?” He’s smirking at me. I roll my eyes.

“Like you already don’t know this.” I’m trying to hide my smile. “But if you’re helping me with that you can’t be insulting me at every second of the day.” It’s his time to rolls his eyes.

“It’s like asking me to change.” He says, but I can see a bit of amusement on his face.

“Baz.”

“Fine.” He huffs. “I’ll try.”

“Truce then?” I ask extending my hand to him.

“Truce.” He agrees taking my hand on his.

His hand is cold, especially compared with mine. I don’t want to let it go, but I also don’t want him to be angry with me and give up on helping. So, too soon, I let his hand and at the same instant, I miss it. I want to hold his hand again. I want to feel his fingers on mine. But instead of doing what I want, I just look away and sit on my bed again catching the letter, afraid that he could see in my eyes what my true feelings are.

** Baz **

I try to take the feeling of Snow's hand on mine, away from my mind, but I can't. His fingers were so warm, especially against my cold ones. It has always been that way. Back in school one of the most frequent fights we had was about the fucking window that Snow insisted on leaving it open, while I wanted to be closed.

Snow is like a human furnace, which in part is good because our room is always hot. But I'm always freezing, so of course that I always imagined Snow curled with me, warming me. I try to take that off my mind and try to go back to my notebook, my last test will be tomorrow morning, so it would be nice to study a little. Snow is doing the same, he is reading a book, and it’s frowning with what appears to be his notes.

“Can’t read your own notes?” I ask.

“I don’t understand this book, even with my notes and I have a test about it tomorrow.” He says exasperated.

“What book it is?”

He turns the cover for me and I can read the title, “Pride and Prejudice”, a classic and one of my favorite books of all.

“What you can’t understand? This is one of the best books ever.”

“You already read it?” He asks looking at me.

“A hundred times.”

“It’s not that the book is hard to understand, it’s just that … Read sometimes it’s hard for me. Penny said that I might be dyslexic, but I never confirmed with anyone. Anyway, read it’s hard.” He says embarrassed.

“Why do you take it a literature class then?”

“Because I thought it would be nice, and it was not that bad in school.” He sighs. We don’t say anything for some minutes, then he looks at me like he wanted to tell me something. “Could you … Nothing.” He shakes his head and comes back to the book.

“What?”

“Nothing, you’re busy, studying.”

“Spit it out, Snow.”

“I just… could you help me with it?” His cheeks are red.

“Fine.” I say, pretending it was a sacrifice. It wasn't.

“Really?” He asks surprised.

“Yeah, we are in a truce, and if you start to study then you gonna leave me study too.” And also I love you and want to help and talk to you always. "So, this book tells the story of love between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It has always been considered a very modern book, especially when we look to the date it was written, and that's because Elizabeth is very different from what a woman should be at that time. A lot of people actually say that she was a portrait of Jane Austen and the story was a better version of what happened between her and a man she as in love, but while the book has a happy ending, her life was very different." I get very excited about this book.

"I didn't know that." Snow says.

"Yeah, no one ever confirmed anything, it's just a rumor. Anyway, the story begins with Mrs. Bennet trying to convince Mr. Bennet to meet their new neighbor, the rich and single Mr. Bingley, she hoped that he would like of one of her five daughters and got married to one of them, saving their family in case of the death of Mr. Bennet."

"That's something I didn't understand, why they would be homeless if their father died?"

"Because back then, women couldn't own anything, so when Mr. Bennet eventually die they couldn't be his legal heirs, only a man could be. So, if the father dies and they aren't married yet, all of their propriety would be on the hands of the next male heir and they would be homeless. So, that's why Mrs. Bennet wanted to marry her daughters so much, especially with a rich man. And also because back then this was the main goal of a mother, marry her children."

"Oh, okay I get it now. Continue, please." He's really paying attention to what I'm saying.

"Okay. So, the Bennet's meet Mr. Bingley in a ball, with his sisters, his brother-in-law and his best friend Mr. Darcy, who was richest than Bingley actually, but too rude and proud to even care in looking at the women in there."

"Look like someone I know." He says and I ignore him.

"Mr. Bingley instantly felt attracted to Jane, the older Bennet, while Elizabeth felt a deep repulse with Mr. Darcy cause his behavior was terrible and because she overheard him not being very gentle with her."

"Yeah, he was an asshole with her."

"I think we could call that."

I keep talking about the book for another hour, telling the story and giving hints about some facts and important things that usually they ask in tests and helping him to improve his notes. It's a very good hour, spending time with Snow, talking about one of my favorite books, it was a dream coming true.

"Thank you so much, Baz. You helped me a lot." He says when I finish.

"Not a problem." I say going back to my notebook.

"There's something that I could help you? I know I'm not smart like you, but maybe I could help you study somehow." What world is this where Simon Snow wants to help me? Before I could answer, a knock on the door makes both of us jump.

It must be Niall and Dev because the only other option was Bunce and she was miles away. When I open the door I see that I'm right. They even compliment me, just pass through me and sit on my bed.

"Hello Snow." Dev says while Niall nods to Snow.

"Hey." Snow says going back to his book.

"Why are you not dressed up yet?" Dev asks.

"And why would I be?"

"Tomorrow we leave for Rome, it's the last chance you have to celebrate with us, this year." Niall says.

"You both are such drama queens."

"Oh please, you above everyone shouldn't call people that." I roll my eyes.

"Sorry gentlemen, but I have my last test tomorrow and I didn't study anything today, so we'll have to drink in next year." I say.

"You really gonna ditch us? Because you have a test? Again?" Dev asks.

"Yes, some of us still wanna graduate."

“You’re a mood killer.” Dev rolls his eyes.

"And you’re interrupting my studies.”

“Fine, we’ll leave, but you owe us a drink when we come back.”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes and take them out of my bed.

I take them to the door almost throwing them out of the room. They start to complain but I close the door on their faces as soon as they reach the hall. I go back to my bed already catching my notebook, only then I notice Snow staring at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing." He says smiling. "You're different when you're with your friends." He shrugs. "Their classes are over?"

"I have no idea. Probably no, but who am I to say anything?" My time to shrug. "So, read these questions for me." I say handing the notebook to Snow, who looks confused. "You asked if you could help me."

"Oh, okay, I didn't think you would want my help." He says but takes the notebook.

He starts to ask me the questions, and the times start to fly. This is how everything would be if I had been friendly with Snow all this time? Spend nights studying together, talking and even laughing (What I won't ever admit I did)? This makes me think about what this truce will mean, and what will bring.

**Simon **

Thanks to Baz’s help I almost get all the answers right on the test. That leaves me in a very good mood. I have to thank him later. Maybe I could buy some of that sweet drink he's always drinking. I'm thinking about that when I remember Penny's text. She sends me a picture last night of her and Micah at a beach, they must be in California with Agatha. I'm replying to her text when I bump into someone. When I look up to say sorry, I notice that it was Baz.

"Don’t you see where you're going, Snow?" He asks rolling his eyes. "Don't text and walk at the same time." He says turning and leaving. Not in a good mood. Okay.

"Wait, Baz." I say going after him. "Wait." I say when I reach him.

"What?" He asks harshly and I'm having a hard time to relate this Baz to the one who helped me study last night.

"I just want to thank you. The test was very easy, thanks to your help." I say, unable to contain my smile, for some reason this seems to relax him.

"That's great." He says a bit more soft than before.

"What about your test?" I ask.

“It was alright I think.” He shrugs. He’s frowning his face, looking very mad about something.

“Everything alright? You seem mad about something.” I ask and he raises his eyebrow at me.

“Since when do you care?” My time to shrug.

“You helped me last night, maybe I can help you now with whatever is bothering you and leaving you all tense and in a terrible mood. You can tell me what is it. Usually, I know why you are mad, or who you’re mad about.” He looks confused. “Me, obviously. But, at least I think, that this time I’m innocent.” He gives a half-smile.

"Just some things with my father." He starts to walk and I go with him.

"Again? Or still about the call last night?" I don't know why I’m asking this or trying to have a conversation with him. Probably he will yell and tell me to fuck off. But surprisingly he just sighs and then answers me.

“No, he called me again this morning. He likes to control my life and hates when I don't do what he wants to.”

“Sorry.”

"That's okay. Do you have any classes this afternoon?"

"No, just one more class and then I'm done for the day."

"Me too, I thought we could start to investigate the orphanages."

“Oh.” I say, surprised.

"You don't wanna go?" He arches an eyebrow to me.

"I want to. I just didn't expect to go today. But let's do this. I can't postpone this forever."

"Okay, then we go after lunch." He says and then before I could reply something, he leaves. He's so weird sometimes.

I go running to my next class, already late. Luckily the professor is also late, so I have some minutes before the class start to think about Baz. He was a very complicated person. I always thought he was a total prick, that for some reason made me fall in love. But he has a soft side, that I saw last night, a bit, and that definitely wanna see it again.

When the class starts I'm already so lost in my thoughts that I don't bother to pay attention to what the professor is saying. I only keep thinking in Baz and then inevitably about this little adventure we will have. I'm very afraid of what I can find. And the memories of those places will bring to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started Carry On again while I wait for Wayward Son, and I'm very hyped.  
I just needed to share with someone, since none of my friends knows Carry On. 
> 
> But back to the chapter, give me your thoughts. You're liking it?  
Leave it comments and kudos and I'll be back soon.


	4. Chapter 04

Chapter 04

**Baz**

Every time I think my father can't be worse, he proves that I'm wrong. I had just finished a very hard test when he calls me again to try to persuade me to go to Paris. And then when I told him that I wouldn't go, he told me that even if he wasn't in London he'd keep an eye on me, keeping me under supervision to know if I was behaving.

Or in simples words, if I wasn't snogging blokes in all corners. He even forbidden me to go to Hampshire by myself, I bet he thinks I would take someone to shag in his bed. But of course, he doesn't know I'm much better staying at the dorms with my glorious roommate.

Snow's happiness about the test makes a bit of my anger go away. He has this power, even if he doesn't know it. Thinking about him makes the rest of the classes pass faster. His worried eyes don't leave my mind. I could see he was really worried about coming back to those orphanages.

I walk back to our room still thinking about that, and how I could make him feel better without showing that I care too much. Snow is already in the room when I get there, he turns to me as soon as I open the door and then extends a cup of coffee to me.

"What is this?" I ask.

"A better way to say thank you." He smiles and my heart skips a beat. This boy has no idea what he does with me. I take the cup.

"What you put inside?" I ask raising an eyebrow. "Poison?" He rolls his eyes.

"Of course not, just that thing you're always drinking."

"Pumpkin mocha breve?" I ask after taking a sip and he nods. "How do you know I drink this?"

"Observation." He says, and then his cheeks are red. "You always drink this." He rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. Since when he observes me?

"Okay. Thanks." I say, not sure of what else to say. "Ready to go?" I ask and he nods.

We walk together until the tube station, and it's kinda weird. We never walk together, we are usually going to different directions. The cold air, makes us, inevitable, walk closer, and when I start to think in touch in Snow, and to take his warm hands, I put my own on my pockets, avoiding doing something that I would regret.

We take the tube and luckily it’s almost empty, we sit side by side. In the firsts minutes, we stay in silence, but it'll take about 30 minutes to get in Richmond so I start a conversation.

"How long you lived in there?" I have to take this opportunity, this truce, to know everything I can.

"For some years. When I was left there, I was six months, I stood there until I was 7 years old, then I went to a foster family for almost a year, then I went back to the orphanage for another 7 months and they send me to another foster family for another year, when they went return me to the orphanage they didn't have place for me, so they send me to another one." Snow doesn't seem sad talking about this, but his eyes tell me the truth.

"So, if we don't find anything in there, where we go next?" I ask, wanting to change the subject a bit, otherwise, I would end up hugging him.

"The second orphanage was close to our college actually."

"Okay." Then we are in silence again.

I can see that Snow is nervous, his hands are shaking a bit, he keeps moving his feet, and biting his thumb. Neither of us speaks anything else until we reach Richmond when Snow's almost fainting.

"Just breathe Snow." I say when he abruptly stops walking.

"Yeah, I'm trying." He says. "I never thought I would go back there. Even for a visit." He shrugs.

"If you don't want it, we can come back another day."

"No, let's go, we're already here." He takes a deep breath and then starts to walk again.

We walk in silence again, I have a lot to ask, but I don't think it's a good moment, so I leave Snow with his thoughts.

When we reach the small building Snow stops again, but before I could say something, he goes to the door and knocks. Some seconds later, a woman comes to open the door.

"Hello, boys, how I can help you today?" She smiles.

"I … My name is Simon, I lived here for some years when I was a kid. I was wondering if you have something, some file or register about me, or about the person who left me."

"I don't know if we still have something, but please come in, call me Mrs. Stevens." She says going inside, wanting us to follow her.

Snow hesitates for a second, but he looks to me, takes a deep breath as I told before and then follows her inside.

**Simon **

Everything is like I remember. The walls are dark and cold, and the sounds of the kids yelling and crying upstairs bring me memories of when I was crying and yelling. I look outside the window in the hall and there are lots of kids having fun in the small garden, this is something I never had, friends to play and laugh, stay in the garden having fun.

"Everything okay?" Baz asks behind me.

"Yeah." I nod. "Just some memories." I start to walk again.

"Here." Mrs. Stevens says when she reached a door. I don't remember her, so I don't think she worked in the orphanage when I was here.

We walk in the room, that I remember too well. Every time something bad happened with me, or when I had to leave, they brought me here. There is an old woman at the desk.

"Celine, this boy is after the files of when he lived here." She points at me and then leaves the room.

"I have to look if we still have anything. What's your name and birthday?" She asks looking at me.

"Simon Snow, the birthday is June 21, 1997."

"I’m going to see if we have anything.” The woman says and leaves.

“Feeling better?” Baz asks.

“A little bit, I’m still nervous, but I don't think we’ll find something in here.” I say. “Usually, when a kid moves to another orphanage or a foster home, the files go together.” Before Baz could reply, the woman comes back with a paper in her hands.

“Well, Mr. Snow, all your files went away when you moved, you should look in the orphanage you went next. But I found this note, probably written by the other employees who used to work here when you were brought. They used to make a record of when some child was left in our door.” She extends the paper to me.

_December 27, 1997 _

_At night, Beth was called by a young woman, named Lucy, at the door. She had a baby with her, she asks Beth to take care of the baby, and then she informed the baby’s name and delivered his files. Before Beth could talk to the woman, she ran away._

“This Beth still works here?” Baz asks by my side, I guess he read it the note.

“No, she retired years ago.” I feel the tears in my eyes.

“Thank you, for your time.” I say and then I almost run, wanting to leave this place.

When I’m outside I allow myself to cry, and then I feel a hand on my shoulder and see that Baz is there, trying to comfort me. I guess my mother didn’t want me, she really abandoned me.

“I know what you’re thinking.” He says in a soft voice. “But you don’t know if this Lucy was your mother, she could be a friend or something else.”

“Maybe.” I say, but I don’t believe. I don't know why or how, but I feel that she is my mom. “Let’s go back.” I say wiping the tears off my face.

Only when we’re in the tube again Baz speaks.

“Do you wanna eat something?”

“I’m not hungry now, thanks.” I close my eyes and stay that way until we reach our stop.

I knew it was a mistake to start looking for the truth. I knew it already and I had moved on. Mess with that was a bad idea, it just brought me bad memories and relieved buried feelings.

**Baz**

Snow is starting to worry me. Since our visit to the orphanage in Richmond, yesterday, he is barely eating or saying anything. After we came back, he threw himself on his bed and only left this morning to go to his classes.

Maybe I should let it go. Maybe, in the end, the answers to his questions are not what he is looking for. But I don't know. For the letter he received, the way his mother wrote to him didn't seem like she wanted to leave him. So, maybe we'll find out the real reason why she did it.

When my classes finally are over, I go looking for Snow. He's leaving his class on the same floor I was, so it's easy to find him. He seems sad, and he's so distracted that he doesn’t see me.

"Snow." I say when I reach him.

"Oh, hey."

“This was your last class?”

“Yeah.” He’s looking to the floor, but I can see that his eyes are red again.

“Wanna go to the second orphanage this afternoon?” He looks at me.

“I don't know.” I arch my eyebrow at him. “I just … Maybe looking for my parents wasn't the best idea.” He sighs. “I should just leave this and move on. In the end, I probably will find what I already know.”

“Maybe you’re right.” I say. “Or maybe you’re not. You’ll only find out if you keep looking at it.”

“Why do you care so much about this?” He asks, but that’s no hostility in his voice.

“I just think we all deserve to know where we came from. And maybe someday in the future, you'll regret losing the chance you have now." Snow smiles a bit.

"You care about me." I feel all the blood in my body coming to my cheeks.

"What? I … I didn't … " His smile got bigger. "That's not what I said."

"It's implied." He shrugs. "Let's go, you convinced me. I just need to eat." I roll my eyes.

"You always need to eat."

** ... **

Snow seems less sad now, the sadness is still in there, in his eyes, but he is trying to put it aside, and think positive, or at least it's what it sounds. He is chatting about the second orphanage for some minutes, talking about how long he lived in there, and making not funny jokes about that time.

“Stop it.” I say when he once again speaks of his lack of friends. He raises an eyebrow at me. “Stop trying to make it better, I know it must be awful for you to live in these places, without someone to trust and talk. You can say what you really felt and feel now, I’m not gonna tease you. I’m not that insensible.” He raises his eyebrow again. “Anymore.”

“Fine.” He sighs. “I was just trying to see the positive side of things you know. I read it once that if you think positive if you’re optimistic about something, it attracts good things and news.” We don’t say anything for some seconds and he keeps talking. “But you’re right, it was awful, and this orphanage was the worst. I lived here for almost a year if I count everything. They keep sending the kids to foster families, but never last more than a year.”

We reach the building, and even though Snow said it was the worse, he seems calmer than yesterday. I say that to him.

“Yeah, I don’t know why, but you’re right. I feel calmer now.” He sighs again and knocks the door. “So many years passed, probably they won't have anything. And the employees are probably new.”

An old woman opens the door and I feel Snow trembling by my side, I look to him and see what I think it's fear in his eyes.

“Hello, do you need help?” The woman says in a sharp and cold tone.

“Hi, my name is Tyrannus Basilton Grimm - Pitch and this is my colleague, we are making research for college about orphanages and we want to know if you keep records of the kids who lived in here.” I say when it's clear that Snow will not say anything and that he’s afraid of that woman.

“Depends on the kids.” She answers impatiently. “When we receive someone of another orphanage they leave the records together, and then when we pass them to some family or to another orphanage all the records go together.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“You look familiar.” The woman says looking to Snow. He takes a step back and holds my hand, almost pulling me.

“It must be a coincidence.” I say. “We already have what we need. Thank you for your attention.” I say, turning away and taking Snow out of there.

We keep walking, holding hands for some time. Neither of us says anything, we just walk. Snow still seems afraid. I want to ask what that woman did to him. And I can feel the hate I already have of her, for making him stay this way.

“Are you okay?” I ask when we are close to the college. He only nods.

I let go of his hand when we reach our dorms. His silence today is worse than yesterday, and I have no idea what to say or do. I just watch him and let him know that I’m here if he needs it.

**Simon **

I never would imagine that Mrs. Hastings still works there. That woman was the reason for many of my nightmares.

It’s almost dark now and I’m alone in the room. Baz went out to buy us food. I must be looking terrible if I made him be so concern that he genuinely offer to get our dinner, without me saying anything.

My phone rings and takes me away from my thoughts. It’s Penny. I don’t know if I want to talk to her now. I mean I want to talk to her, more than never, but I would have to explain everything and then I’d ruin her trip.

“Hey, Penny.” I say trying to sound happy.

“Hi, Si.” I missed her voice. “Finally free of your classes?” She asks.

“Yes. My last one was this morning. How is California?” I ask, letting her speak.

“It’s amazing Si. It’s not that cold as I expected and everyone it's so nice. We went to the beach yesterday and later we’ll go there again see the sunset.” She seems so excited.

“That’s great Pen.”

“And how you are? Not throwing punches in Baz right?” Only if she knew it.

“No, actually we’re kinda in good terms.” I say.

“What do you mean in good terms?” I can see she is curious.

“I’ll explain when you come back.” I hear Micah’s voice behind her.

“Just a second.” She says to him. “Tell me now Simon.”

“Too complicated to say at the phone.”

Baz walks in with our food, he sees that I’m on the phone so he doesn’t say anything.

“Usually I wouldn't hang up until you tell me everything, but I have to go.” She says.

“That’s okay, I’m gonna eat now.”

“But you’ll tell me when I call you next.” She is determined.

“Only when you come back. Until then, enjoy your trip.” I laugh, Penny is so curious.

“You are so mean.”

“And you still love me.” She laughs.

“That’s true. I have to go Si, goodbye.”

“Bye Pen, I miss you.”

“Me too.” She turns off.

I look to the phone already missing Penny. Since we left school, we became inseparable, so we’re always together, this is the first time we're away from each other. Baz is looking at me when I turn to him.

“Everything alright?” He asks sounding concerned.

“Yes.” He looks doubtful. “I’m better now.” It’s true, talking to Penny helped to cheer me up a little.

“Okay. I just …” He is looking at me but suddenly looks away. “If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. The truce covers all.”

“Okay.” I say taking a sour cherry scone. “When I told you about that orphanage being the worse, I was not exaggerating. Not that the others were great, but at least they treated me better. That woman who received us today was Mrs. Hastings, she was the one who took care of us. But I never understood why she was there when clearly she doesn't like kids.”

“She mistreated you?” Baz asks.

“Sort of. The resources they received was never enough, and always was missing something, food, toys, clothes, but especially food. None of the orphanages had a lot of things for us to eat, but in that one was almost nothing. And that was the way she used to punish us. If something happened, she would confiscate the food and the kid would only come back to eat when she thought they had learned the lesson.”

“That’s terrible.” Baz says looking truly mad.

“Yeah. Well, the kids never liked me so much, so when something bad happened they usually blamed me and I was punished.” I sigh. I hate to remember these days.

“I had no idea it was that bad.” He says and I shrug.

“In the other ones was not that way, not always at least. And today I was just too surprised to see that woman in there. I thought she has retired already.”

“I’m sorry.” He seems sad. “For all the times I said something about that.”

“That’s okay. It became easier with time, only had to spend the summer in there, after I started to study in Watford."

"Even so." He shrugs.

I just nod to him and we eat in silence. Not knowing what to say, but it’s not weird, surprisingly it’s comfortable. Having someone by my side, helping me, listening to me, it’s nice. Especially if this someone is Baz.

**…**

I was having a good dream, Penny and I were in Paris, walking through Champs-Élysées, having fun, until we found Baz. Then, he walked with me, holding my hand like this afternoon, and then he stopped and kissed me. This wasn't the first time I dreamed of him kissing me, but every time it seems better, more real.

Suddenly, he stopped kissing me and started to laugh, saying mean things. Saying that I was a joke and so stupid for believing that he would want something with me. Then he locked me in a house and put Mrs. Hastings to watch me. After that, I was a child again, back to be nine years old. She let me locked in a dark room, without food for days, always laughing and saying she would do worse if I didn't behave myself.

I woke up scared, this time not with my screams, but with Baz, muttering in his sleep. He sounded sad, almost desperate. I never saw him like this.

“Baz.” I call him, but nothing happens. “Baz, wake up.”

He doesn't seem to listen to me, and keep saying something that I can’t hear. But then he wakes up, scared, and I think that he’s crying too.

“Baz?” I ask carefully. “Are you okay?” He nods but doesn't say anything. “That was a bad one.” I already had seen him have nightmares before, but never like this one.

“I’m fine.” He says.

“Look, the same goes to you, right?” He looks confused to me. “The truce covers this too, you can talk to me.”

He keeps quiet for a couple of minutes and I think that he won't say anything, or that he went back to sleep, but when I look to him, I see him staring at me.

“I was dreaming about my mother.” He says quietly. “I usually dream of her, but this time was so real. She was at our home, blaming me for the accident.”

“What? That’s insane.”

“No, it’s true. She slept while she was driving and crashed the car. But the reason she was so tired was me. She had stayed up late because I couldn't sleep, I was afraid of some movie I had watched with my aunt. It was my fault. Even my father knows this.” He closes his eyes and I think he’s crying.

“Baz, this is insane. Of course, he doesn't think this, and neither your mother would. You were a kid, how it could be your fault? Things like this happen and it’s no one's fault, it was an accident.”

“My father wouldn't agree with you.”

“Then he is a big asshole.” He lets a laugh escape. "What?" I ask but laugh too.

"It's very nice to hear someone express that. He is an asshole."

"He really blamed you?"

"He never said anything directly, but he's always saying something that clearly means that."

"I'm sorry for him. And for your mom."

He doesn't say anything and again I think he's sleeping, but then he sighs and says.

"Thank you, Snow. Goodnight." He turns over and I can't see him anymore.

I face the ceiling, thinking about everything, in what I don't know and what I want to find out. About my parents, Baz's parents and of course, about Baz. I sleep again dreaming about him holding my hand, walking in Paris and kissing my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm close to freak out with Wayward Son. I can't wait to read it. And I have no idea when I'll read, because it won't be realease in my country, so I had to bought it from another country and I don't know when it'll arrive to me.  
I hope that when I post the next chapter I already have at least the book in my hands. But I ask that you don't comment spoilers please, at least for some time.
> 
> But back to the chapter, what did you think about it?  
Leave kudos and comments that are very appreciated.  
See you soon ;)


	5. Chapter 05

Chapter 05

**Baz **

The first day of break sucks. Snow is dealing with his memories and I'm dealing with mine. Honestly, I can't say who is worse. We just leave the room to eat, and even then it's fast, only the time to buy something and come back.

My mind is accelerated with the things I dream of last night. It wasn't the first time those things came to me in a dream. It's actually very current, and I got used to hearing my parents blaming me for what happened to my mother, I agree with that. But hear Snow saying what he said, calmed me down somehow.

I keep thinking about what Snow told me about the orphanages he lived in. When we were younger I used to tease him about it, I was such a prick. I always knew that it wasn't good places, but I wanted to provocate him, I wanted to irritate him. Now I feel such a prat. The places were worse than I imagined.

He used to starved for so long. No wonder he was always hungry, always wanting to eat something. His childhood was terrible. Maybe I should start to be nice to him. Nicer at least.

On Sunday, the rain makes me want to stay in bed, but I get up and change my clothes, ready to leave.

"Let's go." I say to Snow, who's lying on his bed. He raises an eyebrow to me.

"What?"

"Let's get out of here. We can't stay locked in our room for two days."

"Okay. But where we are going?"

"I don't know. Let's just walk. I promise to stop when you get hungry." He smiles at me.

"You convinced me." He gets up and goes to the bathroom to change his clothes.

This was some kind of arrangement between us, we never change our clothes in front of the other. Even just shirts. I'm very grateful for this, Snow already fills my thoughts for almost the whole time. I didn't need more things to think about.

"It's raining, don't forget your umbrella." I tell him.

He goes to his stuff and starts to look for the umbrella when he finally finds it we leave our room. We are leaving the building when we have a problem.

"It's broken." Snow says when he tries to open his umbrella. "I can't use it."

"Walk with me, my umbrella it's big enough for both of us." I say and at the same time, I feel myself blushing.

"Okay." Snow throws his umbrella away and I see that he is blushing too.

We walk for some minutes bumping our arms, not knowing how to walk that close. We stop to take our breakfast and the warmth of the coffee shop makes me want to stay there.

"Can we stay here all day?" Snow asks.

"I was thinking the same." I admit. "Maybe we should go back to the room, it's colder than I thought." He just nods and we make our order.

We're eating in silence, probably stuck in our thoughts when a bloke stops by our table.

"Hey, Simon." He says.

"Hi Gareth, haven't seen you in a while." Snow smiles at him and I feel a little anger rising inside me. Why do I have to be this jealous of him with everyone?

"Yeah, some weeks actually. Will you go back to work at the coffee shop?"

"I don't know, the owner said they would call me if they need someone else, so I'll have to wait."

"Two girls left this last week, so I hope to see you there soon enough. We all miss you in there." He says and then winks at Snow. Fucking winks. Thankfully Snow is too oblivious to notice.

"I miss work in there too." Snow says.

"That place is great. But I have to go, it was awesome to meet you here." He touches Snow's arm.

"Yeah, is great to see you."

"See you around then." Gareth gives a nasty look in my direction and leaves.

"Okay, he's not subtle at all." I say, trying to hide my jealousy.

"What?" Snow asks, confused.

"Your friend was hitting on you." I say and Snow looks surprised.

"First of all, he's a colleague, not a friend, and second of all, no he was not." His face is all red.

"I knew you were oblivious, but not that much." I roll my eyes.

"Gareth is just nice." He seems to think. "Although, he was always saying that he wanted to hang out more with me, and was always saying nice things to me, and winking or touching my arm. And he didn't like Penny until one day he asks me if she was my girlfriend. Oh my god, you're right."

"You're a moron." I say to him. But I'm thankful for him being that way. Otherwise, my feelings would not be a secret anymore.

"I might agree with you this time." He says still not believing in what he just found out.

We finish our breakfast and go back to the street. Once we're out, I ask him if he wanted to go back to the dorms.

"No, let's walk and talk a bit. It's been what, eight, nine years we know each other, but we don't really know each other." Why does he want to know me?

"Okay." It is the only thing I can think that is appropriate to answer.

We start to walk under the umbrella once again, bumping our shoulders, trying to avoid the rain.

"Can I?" Snow asks putting his hand in my arm, letting us closer.

"You may." I say ignoring the heat in my cheeks.

"So, your relationship with your father was always bad?" He asks.

"Since I remember." I say. I feel the warmth of his hands in my arm, is so comfortable, I try to not think in that while I answer Snow. "Even when my mother was alive he wasn't a loving father, but after her death, he became distant. I think I wasn't the son he wanted anyway." I shrug.

"I'm sorry." He says, and I speak before he could continue in that subject.

"I didn't know you were working." I say.

"I was. Since we start college actually. But the owner had to fire some employees and I was on his list." He says. "After we come back to classes I'll start looking for another one. Can't stay without a job."

"If I see something I'll let you know." It must be hard not having someone to help you with money and stuff like that.

"Thanks." He says embarrassed. "So, tomorrow you're free to go with me to the third orphanage?"

"You still wanna go?" I thought he would drop that after the last orphanage.

"Yeah. I mean, I still can find out something that worths all of it. Plus, the worst is behind us now." He shrugs.

"Okay, so where we're going?"

"Cambridge."

**Simon**

All Sunday I keep thinking in Baz. Big news. This time though, my mind goes to when I touch him in the morning, even with all the layers in between I could feel the tension in him. He was nervous just like I was. But I knew why I was like that. Why was he?

Walking that close, my hand in his arm, maybe he was afraid that some people thought we were a couple. I wish it was true.

We decided to go to Cambridge in the morning, I'm calmer, I know that the other orphanages are not so bad as the last one. But I can't take away the thought that we'll find something in there. If will be good or bad, I don't know.

I almost don't sleep, my mind keeps thinking about Baz or my parents. I can't just shut it. Baz's breathing is what makes me calm down a little and thanks to that I'm able to sleep for a couple of hours.

In the morning Baz is quiet. I don't know why. He barely speaks anything, even in breakfast, when I'm eating like a savage.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

"What?" He turns the look of his cup, to look at me.

"Are you okay? You're quiet today." He shrugs.

"Just a nightmare."

"Wanna talk about it?" He shakes his head.

"Not a big deal." He looks to me again. "Ready to go?" I nod and we leave.

Cambridge is a bit far from London, so I'm waiting for like an hour of silence. Baz tries to speak in our way, but clearly his mind it's not here.

I feel anxious when we start to get close to Cambridge, again I start to tap my foot, and biting my thumb. I only stop, when I feel Baz's hand on my knee.

"Snow, calm down." He says. "Try to think about other things." Right now it's working because I only can think that his hand still is on my knee.

"Okay, I'll try." I want to reach for his hand, to hold it. But I can't, obviously. "Do you have some tradition at Christmas?" I ask the first thing it comes into my mind.

"No, only what everyone does. My family never was this type of family." He shrugs. "What you wanna do once you finish college?" I frown to that question. I never thought too much about the future.

"I don't know." I start to bite my thumb again, but Baz pulls my hand down and now I only can think that he's holding my hand again. I feel my cheeks getting warmer. I clear my throat. "I never thought too much about the future." His cheeks are red too. "I like to cook actually and Iove to draw things. I would love if I could do something like this to living." I shrug. "What about you?"

"I want to teach music." He says. "I'm doing this college now because my father wants it. But once I finish, I would like to study music."

"That's very nice. It suits you." I smile at him.

Before he could reply, we reach our station. So, Baz drops my hand and we leave the train. It takes some time to find the orphanage, but soon we were there.

This was one of the best I remember, the people were nice, and they were always trying to cheers us and make different things. I had stayed for last than a year.

"Hello, how can I help?" A woman says when she opens the door. I remember her, she worked here when I Iived here.

"Hi, I lived here for some months when I was a child, and wanted to know if you have some file or record about me, or about my parents." I say.

"Simon." She smiles. "Simon Snow, right?" I nod to her. "Look at you, all grown up." She hugs me. "And who is this gorgeous boy with you?" She looks at Baz.

"This is Baz, my friend from college." Baz nodded to her.

"Hello, call me Mrs. Hale, come in." She says. "We start to pass some files to the computer, so we might have something." She walked us through the orphanage, and it was very different from what I remember.

We walk in a large room, where the administration stays. I've been here before, but it was very different.

"Is so good to see you again Simon." Mrs. Hale says. "Got lucky with some family?" She asks.

"No." I say. "I stayed in care until I was 18." She gives me a pitiful look.

"Well, now you're okay, right? Doing college and all."

"I guess so." I'm starting to be uncomfortable.

"But let's see if we got something." She sits in front of a computer. "Simon Snow." She types my name. "We have a copy of your birth certificate, but the name of your mother and father are not there." She keeps looking at it. "The only thing I got here, is some note that they made it, probably in the orphanage you were left. It was about the woman who left you, they don't say if she was your mother, but it describes her." She looks at me. "Do you want to know?" I nod.

Then I feel Baz's hands-on mine and feel so good to have someone by my side. I look to him and squeezes his hand and he squeezes back.

"Here says that it was a young woman, maybe 19, 20. She was wearing a coat from a school, the name was Watford." I look to Baz and he seems so surprised as me.

"Watford?" I ask.

"Yes, do you know?" She asks.

"Yeah, we studied there."

"What a coincidence." She says smiling.

"A huge coincidence." Baz says frowning.

"There's nothing else?" I ask.

"No, sweetheart. That's all."

"That's okay. We should be going now." I say wanting to leave at that moment.

"Are you sure? Don't want to have a coffee?" She smiles again.

"No, thank you, we have a lot of things to do." I smile at her. "Thank you for your help." I say and before she could say anything, I'm pulling Baz outside.

** Baz**

I thought the day would suck again. Last night was terrible, I had too many nightmares. I dreamed again about my mother's accident. But this time it wasn't her driving. It was Snow. I had to watch him die, and I couldn't do anything to help.

The whole night I dreamed of him dying, and all the times it was my fault. It was a relief to see him okay when I woke up. I wanted to hug him and make sure he was really okay. I didn't of course.

I also thought that this other orphanage would be another dead end, and Snow would leave sad and upset with it.

How wrong I was. They didn't have much info, but they gave us a lead. The person who left Snow was a student in Watford, the same school we studied for eight years. This couldn't be a coincidence.

Snow was so excited, that just left pulling me by my hand, and apparently forgot he was holding it because we were still holding hands, while he was almost running back to the station.

"Snow, wait." I say when we are close to the station.

"Why? We need to go there." He says and then he realizes he was still holding my hand and let it go.

"You want to go to Watford? Now?" I ask.

"Yes, today is the last day they will open before Christmas, if we don't go now then we'll only find out next year." He's right.

"Okay, but maybe you should go alone then. You know that your beloved headmaster hates me. He'll probably refuse to help you only in despite to me." He rolls his eyes.

"That's ridiculous. But you don't need to worry, Davy is out of Watford." What? "It's been some months actually."

“What? How I didn't know that?” I’m so surprised.

“Have no idea. Penny told me, but everyone is knowing by now. Apparently, he was fired for drinking while he was working. So, the teachers and parents found a way to kick him out.” He lowered his voice like he was telling me a dirty secret. And kinda was.

“I always knew he was no good for the school. And I told you, several times.” I cross my arms and he rolls his eyes again.

“Yeah, I know that for years now. But let's leave the gossip for later, we need to go.” He starts to walk again.

We spend some minutes trying to figure out which train we should get it, lucky for us our train was leaving the station, and we could get on it on time. After we sit, I asked Snow.

“When exactly you started realize that Davy was a terrible headmaster?” I still didn't forget his words.

“Part of me always will be grateful for him picking me up in the orphanage and taking me to Watford. So many things, good things happened after that.” He looks at me. “But with time I realize it was all for his interests. For looking good, a generous man. He never cared about me. Not really.” He shrugs. “In our last years he started to bond with me, or trying to, but even that sounded fake. He didn't seem to have good intentions.”

“And I thought you were blind with all of it.”

“It took me some time, but I did saw his true face.”

“Good to know, you’re not so thick as I anticipated.” I smirk to him, and he only rolls his eyes.

The rest of our little trip is almost in silence. Sometimes Snow says something about figuring out who the woman was, I can see he’s excited but really nervous.

We reach Watford gates, two hours later. Snow is eating scones he bought it in the way, he offers me, but I’m not in the mood to eat.

I hadn't come to Watford since our graduation. I loved this place. And at the same time, I hated it. It was the place where I had more memories of my mother and that wasn't always a good thing.

We walk to the administration building and once we are inside, a young woman receives us. She must be new because she didn't work here in our time.

“Hi, my name is Simon, this is Baz.” He points at me. “We studied here, and we wanted to talk to the headmistress Possibelf if it was possible.” Miss Possibelf was an old teacher in Watford, she was good at it. I hope she is doing a better job than Davy as headmistress.

“I can see if she can talk to you. What brought you both here to talk to her?” She asks.

“We have questions about an old student.”

“Okay, just a minute.” Then she leaves.

I start to walk looking at the prizes and pictures on the walls. I never had paid much attention to it. But one picture freezes me.

“Snow.” I say. “Look at this."

He comes by my side and starts to look where I’m pointing at, and then he looks pale.

It was a picture of a student, receiving a prize. She was young, her curly hair was loose, and it had a familiar bronze color. It was her eyes though, that was drawing my attention. They had the plainest blue color. Her happiness was shining in her eyes, leaving it in a way that I knew it too well. Below the picture was written “Lucy Salisbury”.

“Lucy.” Snow said, his fingers were passing through the picture. “It was her.” The tears were already in his eyes.

“Snow.” I say in a soft voice.

“I look like her.” He says.

“You do.” I say putting my hand on his shoulder.

“She was the one who left me on the orphanage.” He wipes his eyes. “I knew it. My mother really didn’t want me. She left me there.” His shoulders start to shake, and I realize he was crying now.

“Snow.” I say again, but he doesn’t listen to me. “Simon.” I say turning him to me and lifting his chin. “We still don’t know the whole story.”

“You don’t have to say this to make me feel better.” He says.

“I’m not.” I say. “And even if it is true, if she really abandoned you,” He sobs. “she, they, were the ones losing okay?”

“What?” He asks confused.

“Your parents lost a lot not knowing you.”

“Stop it.” He says wiping his eyes again.

“I’m just telling the truth. You are the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met.” I don’t stop to think about what I’m saying. I just want him to be okay.

“Why are you saying this?” He’s confused. “I know you hate me Baz, don’t need to lie about anything.”

“I don’t hate you, and I’m not lying now. You’re amazing.” I feel my cheeks blushing. “I've always been jealous of how easy was for you to make everyone your friend by being you.”

“I have one friend.” He says.

“Maybe, but in school everyone liked you. And you never had to pretend to be someone you weren't. You just had to be this amazing person that you’re. You’re like the sun, drawing everyone's attention for just being there.”

“Baz.” He says.

Only then I realize that I’m still holding his chin. And also, that we were closer than before.

The only thing I can think of is that I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him so badly.

I don't know if it is the moment, but I think, for the way Simon is looking at me, that he is thinking the same thing.

“Baz.” He says again, closing his eyes.

“Simon.” I say leaning forward.

And then a door opens and scare us, making both of us break apart even before our lips were touching.

“Gentlemen.” Headmistress Possibelf says. “How can I help you?”

I remember then, why we were there, and that right now Simon needs me as a friend, and nothing more. I should remember that more frequently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what you think of this chapter, do you like the story so far? 
> 
> I admit that is kinda weird writing now after reading Wayward Son, but I think that for at least a while, the fanfics is all we'll have.
> 
> So, I need to talk about Wayward Son, I'm not gonna give a spoiler, just my thoughts about it, but that can be a spoiler as well, so if you didn't read it yet, just stop reading this now.
> 
> So, I still am not sure of what I thought about it, I kinda loved and hated the book at the same time. It was completely different from what I thought it would be but makes sense if Rainbow writes another book, what she has to do it. The book and their stories can't just end like that, so I really expect a new book with a conclusion and answers. And of course, a happy ending to Snowbaz, because they deserve it so fucking much. So if we don't get a third book or a good conclusion I just gonna pretend that Carry on is a solo book and will keep reading fanfics for the rest of my life. When I finished the book I just wanted to throw my Kindle at the other side of the room and cry for the rest of the day, not joking. I don't see the ending like a bad ending, but it was so bittersweet, it was like I had an incomplete copy of the book, when things are starting to go somewhere the story ends and I'm so frustrated with that. I just need Rainbow to confirm the third book as soon as possible and not have to wait four years for it.
> 
> Anyway, a spoiler from the begin of the book now, I was really mad with Penny's and Micah's break up, I mean I wrote a fanfic that its placed in their wedding, so in my head, they were pretty much endgame and now its all ended.
> 
> I don't want to sound as if I didn't like the book at all, it is an interesting book, and I would be totally okay with it if the ending was different, because I get it that they all needed to go their traumas to move on, and I kept waiting for the moving on part, but it never came. So I'm truly stalking Rainbow's social media now until she confirms this new book.
> 
> Sorry for the huge text, I needed to share that with someone, and I feel better now.
> 
> Back to the chapter, leave comments and kudos, and I'll be back soon ;)


	6. Chapter 06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Came back earlier than I expect, hope you like the chapter ;)

Chapter 06

**Simon **

I think Baz almost kissed me. I don't know if I was imagining, but he was saying the nicest things to me and said my name. Not Snow, Simon. And I'm pretty sure he was leaning into me.

But then Headmistress Possibelf took us from that moment and made me remember why we were here in the first place.

"Hello, Miss Possibelf.” Baz answers her. “We came to know if you have some information about an old student."

"I can try to help you. What was the student's name?" She asks walking us to her office.

Baz looks to me, almost if he was asking my permission, but I say before he could.

"Lucy Salisbury." Miss Possibelf closes the door behind us when we reach her office.

"Oh, I remember Lucy, one of the brightest students I already taught." She says.

"She was your student?" I ask.

"Yes, since she was a kid." She answers looking to me. "Why this interest about her?" She asks curiously.

"I … I think she is my mother." I say and Miss Possibelf looks shocked.

"Oh my … Your mother? How …." She doesn't complete any questions. "I'm sorry, I'm surprised about it." She looks to me with attention and smiles. "But I can see it now. You have her eyes and her hair." I nod to her.

"I wanted to know what you can tell me about her."

"Well, Lucy, as I told you before, was one of the brightest students I already taught. She was clever, intelligent and very stubborn." She smiles as if she was remembering something.

"When did she graduated?"

"1996." She was so young when she had me.

"And do you know where she is?" She gives me a sad look.

"I don't. No one knows." I frown to her. "After she graduated, some months after actually, she just vanished. Not even her mother knows where she is."

"Her mother?" I have a grandmother?

"Yes. Ruth Salisbury."

"I know her." Baz says. "She goes to the club with my stepmother." He looks at me.

"Yes, well it was a big scandal when it happened." Miss Possibelf continues. "No one knows what happened, maybe her …" She stops what she was saying and looks to me in shock as if she had realized something.

"Her what?" Baz asks.

"She had a boyfriend in here, they were together when the school was over." She seems nervous.

"A boyfriend?" I ask. Could he be my father? Miss Possibelf answer my unmade question.

"I can't assure you that he is your father, but now that I think about it, it makes sense. Too much sense." She says with, again, a sad look.

"Who is he?"

"Davy Mage."

I feel the air escaping my lungs.

Davy Mage? My former headmaster, dated my mother in high school. It wasn't a coincidence he took me from that orphanage.

He is my father.

I know it now. It's like Miss Possibelf said. It makes sense.

**Baz**

I'm still trying to process what Miss Possibelf just said. Davy Mage, our headmaster, is, probably, Snow's father. It would make a lot of sense.

"Davy Mage as in our headmaster?" I ask to Miss Possibelf.

"Yes. They dated for some years, I didn't hear from her after high school and he was gone for a while too, but two years after he came back and asked a job to your mother." She says to me. "He never said anything else about Lucy, and no one dared to ask."

I look to Snow and see that he's in shock. What is totally acceptable. That bastard who took him from the orphanages and put him back all summers, who never said anything. Who let Simon suffer wondering about his parents and did nothing. That bastard was his father. I feel the anger rising inside me.

Simon starts to hyperventilate. I turn to him putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Simon." I say. "Breathe slowly." He looks to me and I see so much sadness in his eyes. He's so hurt. It almost breaks me. "You wanna go?" I ask and he nods. I turn to Miss Possibelf. "Thank you for your help."

"I wish that I could help more somehow." She says looking worried.

"That's okay." I say standing from my chair. "The information was very helpful, just surprised us a bit."

I extend my hand to Simon, wanting to help him, he takes it and stands too. He's breathing slower now but still is in shock.

"We have to go, but again thank you." I say.

"The door is always open to you both." She says. "It is very nice to see that you both moved on from that rivalry from school and became friends." I smile at her, not knowing what to say. Snow doesn't seem to be listening. "If you need anything, I'll be here." She says to Simon and this time he acknowledges her words.

"Thank you." He seems about to cry any minute now.

We leave school still in silence. I try to take my hand back but Simon holds tighter and then inlace our fingers. It feels amazing, but I don't have time to think about it, because Snow is hurt now. Still processing the new information.

"When you feel ready to talk, I'll be here to listen." I say once we are on the train back to London.

He nods to me and then leans on his seat, closing his eyes. After some minutes he lays his head on my shoulder.

"You should sleep." I say to him. "I'll wake you when we reach our station."

"Okay." He says in a low voice.

Then, I lay my head on top of his. It's comfortable. I don’t know what is happening between us. I don’t think I should think too much about it either. Simon is vulnerable now, he’s trusting in me because he needs a friend. It doesn't mean that magically he developed feelings and it would like to be with me.

Simon’s hand is warm against mine and I struggle to keep my eyes open, but I do, appreciating the feeling of having Simon so close to me.

I wake him when I see that our station is close, I don't know if he was able to sleep too much. He seems a bit lost when he wakes, he pulls his hand to fix his hair and I feel colder.

When the trains stop in our station a few minutes later, Snow is already fully awake and still in silence. We walk through the station and when I’m turning to the tube station, Snow says.

“Can we walk till our dorm?” He is looking at other people.

“Sure.” I say.

Thankfully is not raining. But is freezing. We walk side by side trying to avoid the crowd of people, that so close to Christmas is getting bigger. Suddenly, Snow stops in front of a Starbucks.

"Let's get a coffee." He walks in before I could reply.

I hope that this is a sign that he'll react better to this new informations. That he won't close himself and avoid talking and eating.

Once we get our coffee, we go back to the street and Simon asks to sit in the park we were close. We sit on a bench, watching people walking, talking, laughing. I get scared when Simon talks.

"You know, when I was a kid, and Davy," he says the name with disdain. "picked me up in the orphanage, I spent months thinking that he was my father." He laughs, but there's no humor on it. "I thought that maybe, he didn't tell me at first because he was embarrassed for leaving me, or that he didn't know where I was before, that somehow they give me away for a mistake." His eyes are tearing up. "I thought that he was reuniting the courage to tell me the truth. With time, I started to lose hope, but I only lost it for real when he called me at the end of the term to send me to another orphanage."

He is crying and all I want to do is to hug him and to tell him that everything will be fine. But I don't because I don't know if it will.

"Then I realized that he couldn't be my father, because how could a father send his kid to an orphanage? If he was really my father he would take me with him, to live with him, to love me."

"We still don't know if he really is your father." I say trying to comfort him, but I don't believe it. Of course, he is Simon's father.

"Of course he is." He says. "It makes so much sense, how could I not see it before? I already knew he was a son of a bitch. How could he do that? He knew it, he knew it and he didn't do anything." He sobs.

I just pull him to me and hug him, letting him cry in my chest. After some minutes he stops. I let him go and when I see his face again, I wipe his tears.

**Simon**

Baz is being so soft and caring that makes all hurt a little less. He's wiping the tears from my face when he says.

"Don't cry because of him. I didn't lie before. He is the one who is losing." His hand is still in my cheek, I close my eyes with his touch.

"I just…" I start but I don't know how to complete it. "I just wanted to know why he did it." I say after some minutes.

"He's a son of a bitch, you said yourself." He says and I can't contain a laugh.

We stay in silence for a while, just watching the people passing. It is freezing, but not enough to make me want to go. Not yet.

"What you think happened to my mother?" I ask.

"What?" Baz asks, looking at me again.

"My mother." I say again. "Miss Possibelf said that no one knows what happened to her since she graduated. What happened to her?" I ask. "No one just disappear like that."

"You still wanna find out?" He asks a little surprised.

“Yeah, we’ve been this far. Can’t walk away now.”

“Okay. I’ll go with you wherever you want to go.” He says and my heart skips a beat. Baz never was so kind and soft with me like this.

Maybe this was not the best moment, but with all the shit revelation I needed someone to be with me, to not let me go insane with all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I never expected that that person could be Baz. I wanted to. But never really expected.

"Let's go home." Baz says. "Is freezing in here."

I nod to him and we go back to our way, again walking together, still not knowing completely how to walk together. But every time we get better in it. We are starting to feel more comfortable around each other and that leaves me happy somehow.

I don't know what is happening between us. I don't know if there is something happening. Maybe he is just being nice because he pities me. I thought I saw something in his eyes today when he was leaning into me. But I've been in love with him for so long, that now I think I might be imagining everything.

But I can't be thinking about that. I have to deal with one problem at a time. What becomes very hard, because I feel Baz's hand on mine and then his fingers inlacing with mine. I look to him surprised, but he doesn't look at me, just pretends there's nothing different, and if weren't the blush in his cheeks, I would think I was imagining this too.

I think this became some kind of arrangement between us. Maybe he thinks I need again, I mean I was holding his hand before. I wanted to. I needed to know that I had someone with me at that moment. I'm better now than before, I'm still thinking through all of what happened, so I'm not going to complain about Baz holding my hand. As if I were in any situation.

The sun is almost down when we reach the dorm. Now that the classes are over, there is no one in here. I think Baz and I, are the only ones who stayed.

Our room is warm when we open the door, its cozy, and feels like home, just what I need. The day was not good. Part of me was relieved for having the information that I wanted for so long. But the other part was mad, regretful of leaving this room in the morning. Maybe I should have stopped before, because how can I just live with the things I found out? How I'll ignore it?

"You think he knows something?" I ask once I sit in my bed.

"Who knows what?" Baz asks raising his eyebrow.

"Davy." I look at my mother's letter on my desk. "Do you think he knows where my mother is?"

"You wanna talk to him?"

"Maybe." I sigh. "If it was only for him, I would never even consider, he had his chance of telling me, of being a father, and he didn't. But something is odd. That letter" I point to my desk. "doesn't make sense. And why Ebb would send it? It can't be only because of Davy. And I don't know where she lives to ask her, so he's the only lead we have. He was with my mother after high school, he might know where she is and what happened to her." I close my eyes. "I just want to know this and then I'm done with it." When I open my eyes again Baz is looking at me, he looks worried, but he just sits by my side and says.

"We can go tomorrow."

"You'll go with me?" I ask surprised.

"Yes. I told you before, I'll go with you whatever place you want to go."

"Even to see that man you hate?" He laughs.

"Even so."

"Thank you, Baz." I say. "I …" I want to say how grateful I'm for having him by my side. How much I appreciate when he holds my hand and when he tells me his kind words. How much I love him. "Thank you, I really appreciate you being here with me." I say. "I'm sorry, I'm ruining your Christmas break."

"Please, you couldn't ruin anything, never." He blushes.

I never thought Baz could blush, but these last few days have been proper educational. Plus, Baz looks even more gorgeous when he blushes, what I thought was impossible. And I liked it. Just like everything in him.

** Baz **

I never thought I could blush so much. But I also never spend so much time with Simon like now and is like everything he does or says to me makes all my blood rise to my neck and cheeks.

"So." I clear my throat. "Do you know where he lives?" I ask.

"Yes. He told me when we were in school, in case I needed to talk to him." He frowns. "If he didn't move, I'll know how to find it." He looks to me.

"Okay." I say. "Are you okay?" His eyes were not so sad anymore. "I mean, I know is a stupid question, but …"

"No, is not a stupid question. I've been better, but I'm okay." He sighs. "I just want to close this chapter of my life."

"Do you regret starting looking for this?" I ask and he seems to think.

"No." He shakes his head. "I thought I was, but now that you asked me, I don’t. Even if the answers are not what I wanted to hear, at least I won't be wondering anymore." He shrugs. "And it wasn't everything bad." He looks at me and is his time to blush.

"I …" I start to say something, not sure of what, but then my phone rings. It is my aunt Fiona. “Just a second.” I tell Snow and then I pick up the call. "Fiona." I say. She has the worst timing ever.

"Hey, what tone is that? It's almost like you don't want to talk to your favorite aunt."

"You're my only aunt." I roll my eyes.

"Exactly, you should treat me better."

"What do you want, my beloved aunt?" I say ironically.

"Much better." She laughs. I see Snow looking at me with curiosity. "I heard that your shit father went to Paris without you." My aunt never liked my father.

"I didn't want to go actually."

"Even so. And why you're not at least in your house?" She asks. "Why are you spending Christmas in these empty dorms?" She is talking so loud that I'm sure that Snow is listening to everything.

"He said I should stay here.” I say.

“I’m listening, right? Did you just said your father didn't let you go to your own home?” She is boiling in anger.

“Sort of. But I already had decided that I would stay in here anyway.” I walk through the room.

“He’s such an asshole.” She says. “Are you really spending Christmas alone?”

“I’m not alone.” I say and then I feel Snow’s eyes again in me.

“Basilton.” She almost yells. “Do you suddenly have a boyfriend and forgot to tell me?” And then I’m blushing. Again.

“No.” I shout, knowing that Snow probably heard her question. “I’m with my roommate.” I say in a low voice.

“Your roommate isn't that boy you were sick in love …”

“Fiona, what do you want?” I cut her.

“Come to dinner with me at Christmas. And bring your boy with you.” I sense the smile in her voice.

“I won’t …” I start to say but she cuts me.

“I’ll see you here at my flat, at Christmas with your boy, or I’ll pick you both.” I want to scream with her, to tell that, unfortunately, Snow is not my boy, but she interrupts my thoughts. “See you then.” And then she turns off.

“Fiona.” I shout again, but she’s already gone. “Shit.” I say.

I keep looking at my phone, trying to figure it out, what my aunt is trying to do. But is impossible, because she’s unpredictable. Snow’s voice takes me back to the present.

“What was that?” He seems very curious.

“Apparently, we are going to have dinner with my aunt at Christmas.”

“What?” He seems shocked.

“Yeah, she’s a bit crazy but very persistent.” I roll my eyes. “I think she didn't want us to spend Christmas in here.” That seems to make him remember something.

“Did your father really didn't let you go home?”

“Yeah.” I rub the back of my neck.

“Why?”

“I told you before, he likes to control my life.” I huff. “He thinks that forbidding me to go home was a punishment for not going with them to Paris.”

“And it wasn’t?” I look at him.

“Not even close. I’m right where I want to.” He smiles at me.

“Good.” He says still smiling. I smile back.

Without saying anything to each other, we just stop talking about my family or his family, and we just start to talk about meaningless things, like the people who used to study with us. The hours seem to fly when we are together and nothing else matters at this moment. Not my father. Or his parents. Just the two of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me, what you're thinking of this story so far?  
Leave comments and kudos <3
> 
> Everyone excited about the "Any way the wind blows"?  
I can't wait to have more information about it.
> 
> See you soon ;)


	7. Chapter 07

Chapter 07

**Simon **

I feel strangely calm in the morning. I don’t know why. I mean, I was nervous about going to all those places, but now I’m okay. I just want to get over with all that, to see Davy and forget about it. To leave all of that behind and start to think about better things. Like this weird friendship, if I can call that, between Baz and I.

I keep waiting for him to ignore me again, to go back to where we were before the truce started. But everything is the same when we wake up. He still soft in his own way, trying to not let me be anxious again.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks for the third time in the morning.

“Yes. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “Okay, maybe not fine, but okay enough.” We take our coffee and walk to the tube station. “What about you? You really want to go?"

"I'm not gonna let you go alone to talk to him Snow." He says.

"Thank you." I say because I don't know if I would want to go without him.

"And if you want me to punch him, just say the word." He smiles. I'm amazed by the sight of Baz smiling, he does that so few times that I just keep staring at him, wanting him to do it again.

"I'll let you know." I smile too.

Davy's house is not too far, so there is not too much time for me to think about what is waiting for us. But is inevitable. I keep thinking about how he is now. If he'll recognize me as his son. If he'll tell me the truth.

It takes 20 minutes to find his house. I almost stop at the sidewalk, but I keep walking before I could change my mind. I knock on his door and we wait for a couple of minutes and hear a noise from inside. At least someone was at home.

"What?" He says while he opens the door. He seems a lot older than a few months ago, the last time I saw him. His eyes go wide when he sees me. "Simon? What you're doing here?" He asks confused and only then he sees Baz behind me. "And with this boy?" His eyes are pure disdain for Baz and the feeling is mutual.

"I … we came to talk to you." I feel my voice trembling.

"Okay.” He is still looking weird at Baz, but he opens the door to let us in, and almost falls. He was totally drunk. "Sit." He says to me when we walk into his living room. I sit by Baz's side. "What do you want?" His voice is weird, probably a side effect of alcohol.

"A few days ago, I received a letter from my mother." His face goes white. "A friend of hers send it to me, and she said I should look in the old orphanages about my parents. We were in three of them until we could find something. I'm here today, so you can imagine what we did found out." He closes his eyes and I think he will start crying, but instead, he laughs. I look to Baz who seems so lost as I was.

"Of course you would find out eventually. No secret lasts forever." He stands and puts some drink in a glass and drinks it. "So, what do you want? Money?" He asks. "Because as you can see it, I don't have any." He laughs again, already filling his glass again.

"The only thing I want from you is to know what happened to my mother." I say.

"Your mother." He says. "Why do you want to know about her? She left you in there didn't she?"

"What happened to her? I ask. "No one knows what happened after you both graduated."

"Oh, we stayed together for some months." He drinks again. "Until she was pregnant with you. She was so stubborn." He laughs. "I said we should get married, her mother had money, could help us, but she didn't want to. We fought some times, and I think she got tired of me and ran away. I try to look for her, but she disappeared."

"You don't know where she is now?" I ask.

"Oh. I know." He smiles. "A couple of years later I found that friend of her. Ebb." He sits again in front of us. "She didn't want to tell me about you, but she told me about Lucy."

"What happened?" I ask again.

"My beloved Lucy died." He seems about to cry now.

"What?" I ask. Of course, I had considered that. But still wasn't something I really wanted to hear.

"She died months after you were born. I don't know why. Ebb didn't tell me." He shrugs and goes take more alcohol.

"Are you okay?" Baz squeezes my arm.

"I don't know." I say.

"Don't you wanna know why I never told you?" Davy asks.

"I don't want anything from you. I came to know about my mother, if this is all you know, then we're leaving." I stand and Baz stands with me.

"It took me years to find where you were." He says before we could turn away. "You look so much like her." He comes closer and I take a step back. "She thought I didn't love her, but I did, I do." Then he starts to cry. "I loved her. But she was so stubborn, she thought I was too greedy. Is it wrong to want money? To give both of you a better life."

I don't say anything because I don't have anything to say. Davy almost falls again when he tries to come closer to me. For instinct, I hold Baz's hand, who seems to be waiting for me.

"When I saw you, I considered to tell you, to bring you to live with me." He looks at me. "But I couldn't. I never was made to be a father. Not your father at least." He laughs. "You, so troublemaker." I start tearing up. "You just look with her in appearance. You were not even grateful enough to thank me for taking you out of those orphanages, for making who you are today." I feel like he was stabbing me with his words.

"Let's go, Simon." Baz says pulling my hand, but I don't move.

"You didn't make me who I am. Yes, you took me out of the orphanage, but you put me back either. If I have something today is not because of you."

"Is because of whom? This elitist brat who were always throwing punches on you?" He points at Baz.

"Let's go, Simon." Baz says again, squeezing my hand. "He's just a sad drunk man."

And then Davy pushes Baz away from me, against a wall. It is so sudden that I don't have time to think.

"Is all because of people like you." He shouts at Baz. I run and try to pull him away, but he doesn't move. "They took off my job because I didn't agree with your elitist politics." He starts to choke Baz.

"Stop it." I yell. "You're hurting him." Only then I realize I was crying. "Let him go." I pull his arm, and then he just pushes me and how I'm not expecting it, I fall hitting my head on the wall.

"Simon." I listen Baz calling me, but he's still being choked by Davy, so his voice is low and he can't come to me.

I stand up a little dizzy, but desperate to take Davy away from Baz, so I take a bottle of whiskey from the desk and hit Davy on the head. He lets Baz go on surprise and I take Baz's hand and pull him to me.

"Are you okay?" I cupped his face, worried trying to see if he was hurt. He was having trouble to breathe but nods to me.

"You're so pathetic." Davy says looking to us.

He was kneeled close to us, the glass of the bottle all over him. Overall he seemed okay.

"Always wanting love from anyone." He tries to smile but fails. "You are so needy and pathetic." I feel the tears burning in my eyes.

"Come on Simon." Baz pulls me again, I feel the tension on his arms and the anger in his voice.

This time I let him take me. I just want to go away from that man. We still hear him laughing when we pass through the door.

**Baz**

I never felt so much anger as right now. That son of a bitch was not satisfied in letting Simon live in those horrible places, he had to hurt him more, saying those things.

"Are you okay?" He stops and asks me when we were at a safe distance.

"I should be asking this to you." I look to his red and sad eyes, but he was looking at my neck.

"It hurts?" He asks touching my neck where Davy choked me.

"No. What about your head?" I ask touching gently his hair looking for some cut.

"I'm fine." He says, but I see tears gathering up in his eyes again.

"You didn't believe what he said right?" I ask holding his shoulders.

"I …" He tries to say something but stops.

"He is the pathetic one Simon, not you. Never you." I say.

"He just … I can't believe everything he said." I hug him and he cries.

I want to comfort him, to say something that will make everything hurt less. But I don't know what I should do. So, I just let him cry in my chest again.

We stay like that for some minutes. Some people pass by our side giving us a weird look. I don't know if it's because we are two boys hugging in the middle of the sidewalk or because Simon is crying loud. After I don't know how long, Simon stops crying and gives a step back.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I don't know why I can't stop crying."

"That's okay." I tell him. "After everything, you have the right to cry." I wipe the tears from his face. "But you shouldn't. That bastard doesn't deserve your tears. He was drunk and just wanted to attack you."

"I know." He says. "I just can't stop thinking about what he said. And about my mother. It's just too much."

"I know." I say.

“I wish I could find Ebb to know the whole thing. Davy doesn’t seem a trusty source.”

“Yeah.” I say. “Maybe after Christmas, we could look for her.”

“Maybe.” He stopped crying but seemed that at any minute he would start again.

"Come on, let's go to another place." I take his hand and start to pull him.

"Where?" He asks surprise and I stop walking.

"Anywhere. Is Christmas Eve, let's buy something to eat and then we could go back to our room to watch Netflix or we could go somewhere you want to go." Simon is looking at me in a way that makes me want to kiss him.

"Food and Netflix sound amazing." He gives me a weak smile.

“Decided then. We could buy something, so we wouldn't need to leave anymore today.”

“That’s a great plan.” His smile is better now.

“Good. Come on.”

We decide to walk instead of taking a tube. Again, we walk together, holding hands, his warm fingers around mine, it’s so normal that it seems we are a couple. We start to pick which movie we will watch it when someone calls me.

"Basilton?" I look up and a man is standing in front of us. I know him, he works with my father and that makes me want to scream.

"Jefferson." I say nodding to him. He looks at Simon and then to our joined hands. Something makes me want to drop his hand, but I don't, if he wants to tell my father, then be my guest.

"I thought your family was in Paris." He says still looking weirdly at us.

"They are." I say. I see Simon looking at me, maybe expecting me to introduce him, but I wouldn't say his name so this bastard could go running to tell my father. "Well, we have to go. Happy holidays.” I say and start to walk again before he could say something.

I get into the first market I see, still nervous about what that man will say to my father. Maybe he’s already calling at him right now.

“Baz?” Simon calls me. “Are you okay?” He looks worried.

“Yeah. It’s just …” I sigh. “When I told that my father wants to control my life I was not kidding. That guy is probably calling him right now.”

“Oh.” He says probably remembering the look on Jefferson’s face when he saw we holding hands. “So, your father doesn't accept …” He starts to say.

“That I’m gay?” I laugh, but there’s no humor on it. “No. He thinks is something I’m saying to despite him. I don’t think he really believes it. Maybe now he will.” I sigh again. "Let's forget about it." I say because I don't want Simon to think that Jefferson thinks we were a couple, anymore. I don't want to give him a chance to say how nonsense was that idea. "What do you wanna eat?"

"Anything, really. But I would love to …" I cut him.

"The scones here sucks. We stop to buy it in a place close to the dorms. The scones there are way better." He's smiling at me. "What?"

"How do you know I was gonna ask for scones?" I roll my eyes.

"You're always eating scones, in school I think it was all you ate."

“I didn't know you paid so much attention to my eating habits.” He smiles again and I blush.

“Is hard not to notice.” I say, but I smile too. “But, besides scones what else you want to eat?”

He thinks for a second and then go to a shelf and starts to get cookies and chips. I raise an eyebrow at him.

"What?" He asks when he sees that I’m staring at him. "These are the snacks for the movies." I just laugh and start to pick something too.

Christmas has always been a hard time for me. It was a big thing for my mother and after her death, it became a sad date. I think this would be the first Christmas, since I was a kid, that I would truly enjoy it.


	8. Chapter 08

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween, everyone.  
I'm back before I thought I would, I hope you all like the chapter ;)

Chapter 08

** Simon**

Baz is doing everything he can to make me forget about this morning. He can't, obviously, but I appreciate the effort, it means that somehow he cares.

It's been two hours since we came back to our room. After buying some food, that he paid, (against my protests) we came back and started to watch a movie on his laptop. We were sitting on the floor, our backs on his bed and our shoulders touching. Everything was supposed to be perfect.

But I couldn't pay attention to the movie. I wouldn't know even which movie it was. I just keep replaying the moments at Davy's house at my head. The things he said to me. The way he was hurting Baz. The truth about my mother.

I'm feeling the tears burning my eyes, but I refuse to cry again. I refuse to let Baz see that even with everything he did it, I'm still trapped in that morning.

_"You're pathetic." _

These words got stuck in my mind because I don't know if he was wrong. Lots of time I think that I'm pathetic.

Looking for parents that, clearly, didn't want me.

Loving a boy who never will love me back.

I feel a tear falling from my eye and I want to wipe before Baz could see it, but I can't. I guess he was paying more attention to me than I thought. He pauses the movie and looks to me.

"Snow." His tone is soft again.

**Baz**

I thought that somehow, I was being able to distract him from the disaster that was this morning. But of course, I can't. I can't just erase the things Davy said to Snow. And I don't know how I make it better. How do I make those words disappear?

"Do you wanna talk?" I ask turning to him.

"There's nothing to say." He says, his eyes still tearing up. "I just keep reliving this morning. Thinking in his words."

"His words were wrong."

"No." He shakes his head. "I'm pathetic." I try to say something but he cuts me. "Pathetic for believing that somehow I would find loving parents, who would be happy to see me. For believing that this would have a happy ending. For even now, with everything that we did find out, still not want to let it go." He cries.

"You're not pathetic Simon, is okay to have hope." I want to hug him so much.

"Is not only for this. I am pathetic for believing that I would be different from the hundreds of kids who grow in care. For love who doesn't love me back." He stops, scared. Who he loves? I can't help but feel jealous. "I didn't … I …" He tries to say something, but he's embarrassed about it.

"Look, Snow, that's not being pathetic, okay?” I try to ignore his last words. “That bastard knew that saying those things, he would get inside your head, so don't let him. He doesn't have anything and anyone, he spends his days alone and drinking and blaming other people for his failure. He is pathetic and you're nothing like him." His eyes were shining with tears.

"I know I'm not like him." He says looking at me. "I'm sorry, I …" I cut him.

"Stop saying you're sorry, you have nothing to be sorry about it. Okay? The word 'sorry' is now forbidden."

"Okay." He says still a little embarrassed.

"Do you wanna keep talking?" He shakes his head.

"Let's finish the movie." He wipes his tears. "I just can't have any comfortable position on the floor."

"Me neither. Let's sit on the bed." I feel my cheeks burning, so I don't look at Snow, I just sit on my bed, my back on the wall.

Snow takes a second to move, but he stands from the floor and sits by my side. I put my laptop on my lap and start the movie again. We stay in silence for the rest of the movie, once it's over I think in talking to Snow again, but he just chooses the next movie before I could open my mouth. We start watching “Love Actually”, I already watched it when I was younger, it was a nice movie.

I don't know if Snow is paying attention to the movie, or if he got back to think about Davy. I lay my head on his shoulder, only to remind him that I’m here, and also because I wanted to. Snow’s words don’t leave my mind. “Loving who doesn't love me back”, who could be? Maybe someone of his classes, or his old job. I know who I wanted to be. But is not possible for him to be talking about me. Not possible at all.

Although, the way he acts around me now is not like before. It is almost like he wanted me around, helping and talking to him. And he never complained about me holding his hand, or when I hugged him. And the other day in Watford he did close his eyes when I was leaning into him like he wanted me to kiss him. But that doesn't mean he was talking about me. He’s just vulnerable. I guess.

“Have you ever been in love?” His words catch me on surprise.

“What?”

“Have you ever been in love?” He repeats his question.

“Why do you ask?” I lift my head to look at him.

“I don’t know. The movie I guess.” He shrugs. “So, have you?”

“Yes.” _For you_, I complete in my mind. “What about you?” I ask, even though he just said he loves or loved someone.

“Yes.” He looks at me.

**Simon **

I was doing a good job of distracting my mind this time. I was paying attention to the movie and in Baz's head on my shoulder. Then I asked him that.

I don’t know why I asked that to him. Especially after saying that shit about loving someone. I think the movie just got into my mind. I look to Baz, not sure of where this conversation would take us.

“And the things worked out for you?” I ask and instantly I feel that I'm a dumbass, of course, the things didn’t work out if they had he would be dating that person now.

“Not yet.” He says and I don’t know if I’m seeing things, but I think Baz looked at my lips. “He doesn’t know.” I look to his.

“Why don’t you tell him?” I feel my cheeks blushing. Baz smiles at me and looks to my lips, this time I know he does. What that does mean?

“I may do it.” Only then I notice how close we are. I even realize that we moved.

“Baz, I ..” I start to say something, but I don’t know what.

Baz looks at my eyes.

And then he kisses me.

**Baz **

I don’t know what I’m doing. I just know that I had to kiss him.

His lips are warm against mine. His fingers are careful in my hair.

And the world could end now that I wouldn't care.

**Simon **

I don’t know what is happening. I just know that I wanted to kiss Baz since we were 15, maybe even before that, and I don’t want to let him go.

His fingers are brushing my hair, and I’m afraid that I’ll wake up and see that this is a dream.

** Baz **

Simon's fingers are in my hair, and he pulls me closer. I feel like this is a dream coming true. It looks like I have fireworks inside me.

His mouth starts to move with mine and his tongue brushes my lips. And all I want is more of him.

I want him.

**Simon **

We keep kissing like the world is about the end.

Baz's mouth is colder than mine, which is perfect because I feel like I was burning.

We only break apart when Baz moves his leg and his laptop falls on the floor, scaring both of us. Even then we don’t totally break apart, I keep my hand on his hair and his fingers keep brushing my cheeks. His forehead is touching mine and we are having real trouble in breathing.

“Your laptop …” I start to say but he cuts me. With his mouth over mine.

“Leave it.” He whispers on my lips and then I kiss him again.

I think I could pass the next days in here, locked in our room, kissing Baz and not worrying about anything else.

Kissing Baz is better than I imagine it would be. Thousand times better.

His lips are killing every thought I have and everything right now is about him. About the way, his fingers are gently pulling my hair. The way his mouth is touching mine. His tongue exploring my mouth. His teeth pulling my lip.

When we break our kiss again, it is because we need air. I feel like Baz is sucking all the air around me. It is really hard to breathe around him.

“I was talking about you if you didn’t realize.” He says looking at me.

“What?” I’m still not able to think straight.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then looks at me again and says.

“I’m in love with you.” His cheeks are red and I think I could faint any minute now. “I always had been in love with you." My heart is beating so loud that I think he can hear it. "And I thought that you … that I …” I never saw Baz have so much trouble to form a sentence.

I kiss him again. Only because I wanted to.

Because now I know he wants it too.

He's in love with me. I can't believe it.

And then I start to laugh.

“Why are you laughing while you are kissing me?" He frowns.

** Baz **

Simon stops laughing and smiles at me. I can’t believe I told I’m in love with him, what if he’s smiling because he thinks is a joke? He’s laughing at me?

But then he kisses me again.

I easily could get used to that.

"I'm laughing because we are both morons." He says kissing my cheek.

"Speak for yourself." I say, trying to sound offended. "But why you say that?"

"Because I'm in love with you Baz." I think my heart stopped beating. "Since we were 15, or at least that was when I figured it out."

"What?" I almost yell. "Are you saying that we could have been doing this for the last four years?" He laughs again, nodding to me. "You're right, we are morons."

"I know." I kiss him again.

"You're really in love with me?" I can't believe it.

"I am." He smiles and kisses me again.

Everything I want to do is kiss him. I don't want to stop, like ever.

"So, the ‘loving who doesn't love you back’ thing …?" I start to ask but stop. He looks away a little embarrassed.

"Well, I thought I would never have a chance with you."

"Simon, I've been holding your hand every moment that I could in these last days, taking every little excuse just to touch you." I feel myself blushing.

"I think you look adorable when you blush." I blush harder, but I can't contain my smile. "And I thought you were just feeling sorry for me."

"I almost kissed you yesterday." I say.

"I know, but I thought I was imagining things." Is his time to blush. "But I'm happy that I wasn't."

"Me too." He smiles at me.

“Come on.” He says to me. “I want to end the movie.” He leans to take my laptop that was on the floor.

**Simon **

I take his laptop and then I lay down on his pillow. I look to Baz and see that he was looking at me with his eyebrow raised.

“What?” I ask. “I wasn't comfortable against the wall either.” I say.

“This bed isn't big enough for us.” He says.

“Fine, then I’ll be in my bed.” I pretend to start to leave his bed but he pulls my arm.

“I didn't mean for you to leave Snow. I never do.” I smile again. Will I ever stop now?

He lays on his pillow and takes the laptop, leaving a space for me. I lay down by his side, trying to find a comfortable position. Then Baz puts his arm around me and pulls me to his chest.

“Definitely better.” I say, grinning like I just had won the lottery. Maybe I did.

“Agree.” He grins too.

I watch two minutes of the movie before I look up, to Baz and then I start to kiss his jawline. I always wanted to do that. I keep kissing him, his neck, his cheeks.

“Snow …” He starts.

“Simon.” I say. “I love when you call me Simon.” I smile at him.

“Fine, Simon.” He rolls his eyes, but I can see he doesn't mean it. “I thought you wanted to watch the movie.”

“Changed my mind.” I say kissing his neck again. “I spent too much time around you not being able to do this.” I kiss him. “Unless you don’t want to.” I look at him.

**Baz**

Why am I even saying something? Simon wants to kiss me, I should just shut up and kiss him. So I do. I shut my laptop down and kiss him with all that I have.

I kiss him for all the years I just imagined, for all the time I thought this would never happen. Then something crosses my mind and I stop kissing him and ask.

"You said you have feelings for me since we were 15, right?" He nods to me. "That means that when you and Wellbelove broke up …?" I don't finish my question.

"Yeah, it was because of you. I was always far more interested in you than in her." That makes me want to smile.

"Why didn't you said anything?"

"Because I thought you hated me and I thought you were into Agatha. It was only in college that I did realize that you were gay." He shrugs.

"How stupid are we?" I ask laying down again.

"A lot." He laughs laying in my shoulder.

We stay in silence for some minutes, only laying down, looking at the ceiling.

"Are you feeling better?" I ask. "I don't want to ruin the mood, but as you know now, I worry with you." I look at him.

"I'm better, really." He gives me a sad smile. "I can't erase what happened this morning from my mind, but I can add better memories." I brush my fingers in his cheeks.

"I'm glad I can help."

And then we are snogging again. I can't help but think that if my father could see us now, he would regret deeply about not letting me go home.

Eventually, we calm ourselves and we go back to watch the movie. I don't know what time is it but is dark outside. This time I'm Simon's arms, hearing his heartbeats, and I want to stay right here forever. His stomach doesn't agree with me.

"Sorry." He says laughing after his stomach make a loud noise. "But in my defense, I didn't eat anything since lunch."

"Neither did I." I say sitting, letting him stand to take some food.

"Yeah, but I'm always hungry." He shrugs.

He takes a pack of cookies and sits by my side again. We are in the middle of "Pride and Prejudice", he insisted on watching it. And since it began he keeps saying I'm exactly like Mr. Darcy. I take that as a compliment.

"The book is better, definitely, but that is a good adaptation." He says when the movie ended.

"I'm gonna make you read more books, only to hear you say more things like this." I kiss his cheek.

"If you help me read it, then I think it worths the sacrifice." He says smiling.

Then he picks the next movie, another romance. He's really in that mood. He chooses one called "Love, Simon".

"It has my name on the title, I should watch it." Is his argument.

In the middle of the movie, we get tired of it and we go back to snogging. Far better.

** Simon **

If someone had told me that the day would end with me on Baz's bed, kissing him and having his arms around me I would thought this person was insane.

Our room was dark, his laptop was forgotten on the floor. If I had to stay the rest of the year, or the whole next one, repeating this I wouldn't complain, at all.

Every thought I was having are erased because Baz's mouth was now in my jaw, his tongue was tracing my skin, his lips kissing my moles. I don't know why he was so obsessed with my moles, but I wouldn't tell him to stop, it was too good. So, I pull him closer, wanting to touch more of him.

His lips leave my jaw to go to my neck, he kisses a spot there (where I think there's another mole), and then he starts to suck it, and I can't hold a moan. I'm pretty sure that he left a hickey on it. And I want him to do it again.

But, instead, he goes back to kiss my lips. I take that moment, to turn us, standing above Baz. I kiss his lips one more time before going to his neck. I want to mark him too. I want to make him moan.

As soon as my mouth touches his neck, I feel his fingers on my hair wanting to pull me closer, but we can't get more close than that. I suck his neck just like he did it to me, and the sound he makes it send a shiver down in my spine.

I want him to make that sound again. I want to live in this moment forever.

One of our phones rings, but we don't care, we don't even know where our phones are. But the ring goes louder and we have to break apart to look for it. It's Baz's phone. He just turns it down whispering something about Fiona and timing.

He lays down again, while we calm down. When our breathing starts to become normal again, he pulls me to his chest. I hear his heartbeats and feel his breath on my hair.

"It's past midnight." He says.

"Already?" I look to him even though is too dark to see anything. "I think time flies when we are busy."

"I think so." I feel the smile in his voice. And then on his lips when he kisses me again. This time is a sweet and slow kiss. "Happy Christmas Simon."

"Happy Christmas Baz." I whisper in his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snowbaz chapters are my favorites to write (and read of course).  
Who liked it? Tell me what you're thinking of the fic and what I can do to improve.  
I posted two new fics last week, check there if you still didn't saw it.  
I'll be back soon ;)


	9. Chapter 09

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically Snowbaz being cute together, enjoy ;)

Chapter 09

**Baz**

I wake up in Simon's arms.

It takes a minute for me to realize that. I'm in Simon's arms. It wasn't a weird dream. We really kissed yesterday. And I said I loved him, and he said he loved me. And we kissed until my mouth was sore. Maybe his too.

His sweet smell is the first thing I feel, and then I notice that I'm warm, much more than I always am. My nose is in his neck, my arm in his chest, while his arms are around me. Holding me. I look to him and I smile. Is real. Yesterday was real. He's real.

I kiss his neck, then something catches my attention on his skin and I take a second to realize that it was a hickey. I blush thinking that I put that hickey on him. That I marked him. Then I smile because I liked it.

His arms tighten around me and then he's waking up. I look to him and see his blue eyes looking at me a bit confused, and then he gives me an extraordinary smile.

"Hey." His voice is still sleepy.

"Hey yourself Snow." I say.

"Good morning." He says still smiling.

"I don't remember seeing you wake up so happy like that." I tease him.

"Only because I never woke up with you in my arms before." I blush. "Can I kiss you?"

"You may." I think in teasing him about his morning breath, but I don't give a fuck. I dreamed of waking up with his kisses too many times to care at something like that.

He grins at me and then his lips are on top of mine and I'm so happy that I wasn't dreaming. Everything seems more real in the daylight.

I hold Simon close to me and if I didn't know that soon he'll be hungry, I would suggest staying here the whole day.

"Want to eat something?" I ask when Simon's lips are away from mine.

"I never refuse food. You know that." He laughs.

"I do." I laugh with him. "I think most places will be closed today, so we can come back and stay in bed for the rest of the day." He smiles at that.

"Sounds a great plan." He says.

I give him one more kiss and then I stand up going to the bathroom to have a shower. Simon stands to go to his wardrobe to change his clothes, I close the door before he could pull off his shirt. 

Once I lock the door I look at the mirror and see that my neck has a hickey just like Simon's. I contain myself from giggling, but I'm so happy. Simon Snow gave me a hickey. It's a shame that today it is very cold and I'll probably have to use a scarf. I would love to show everyone the mark that Simon left on me yesterday.

When I leave the shower Simon is already dressed, waiting for me. He is looking at his phone, but when I open the bathroom door, he looks up and smiles.

"Ready?" I ask him.

"Yeah." He says to me. "Take a warm coat and a scarf, is freezing today." It’s such a domestic thing, he taking care of me, and I love that.

We leave our room and this time, Simon takes my hand and smiles at me. We take some time to find something open, and when we do, we sigh. The place, naturally, was crowded.

“Do you wanna coffee?” I ask him.

“A hot chocolate. And scones.” He laughs.

“Of course you do. Stay here, I’ll take for you.” I go before he could complain.

It takes almost fifteen minutes to someone take my order. I look to Simon while I wait, and see him at the entrance looking at his phone again, his cheeks are red with the warmth of the place. So lovely. He may be texting Penelope, he is missing her, I know that. Maybe he’ll tell her about us. I’d want that. It’d make everything more real. I take our order and go to him, he thanks me, already drinking his chocolate.

“Wanna walk?” He asks me.

“Yeah, this place is too crowded.” I say and we go back to the street.

We drink in silence while we walk. Simon eats most of the scones, but I don’t care, I’m not hungry.

I want to hold his hand again, but his hands were still occupied with his cup and the bag of scones, so I put my arm around his shoulders and pull him closer to me.

“I wish I could do that to you.” He complains.

“Grow a few inches and maybe you’ll be able to.” I smirk to him.

“Prat.” He says laughing. I like that he’s shorter than me. But again, what I don’t like about him?

We walk for some minutes when I hear someone calling me. I turn to see who it is, afraid that could be someone who knows my father again. When I see who it is, I think that I would rather see my father himself.

“Hey, Baz.” Thomas says to me looking weirdly to Simon. And to my arm around Simon.

Thomas is a bloke I went out some months ago. He’s nice and good looking, but too clingy. We had only two dates and he was already acting like my boyfriend and being jealous of everyone I talked. I broke up with him saying that I didn’t want to date anyone seriously, that I wasn't the kind of romantic person he was looking for, who walks together, holding hands and being soft. I guess those words were passing through his mind right now.

But I was telling the truth. I wasn’t that kind of person generally, there was only one person who could make me want to do all those things. And for my luck, he was by my side. Finally.

“Hey, Thomas.” I say politely. “Simon, this is Thomas, we studied together. Thomas, this is Simon …” I don’t know how to end that sentence. I almost said boyfriend, but we didn't talk about that yet.

“Hi.” Simon says quietly. Is he jealous?

“Hey.” Thomas just nods still with a weird look. “So, I haven't seen you around lately.” I feel Simon putting his arm around my waist, holding me.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” I say coldly. I want him to leave.

“Maybe we could grab a drink sometime.” Is he serious? I feel Simon tensing up below my arm.

“I don’t think I can or want to.” I say, again with a cold tone. “Now, if you excuse us, we have to go.” I just nod goodbye and go back to walk with Simon.

**Simon **

That guy was hitting on Baz right in front of me. Okay, we weren't exactly dating, but we were clearly together. I mean, Baz’s arm was around me and we were walking together. Like couples do. I didn't want to be jealous, because Baz was with me now and he said he loved me, but that guy was fit. And I bet they went out already.

“Are you okay?” He asked after some minutes. “I’m sorry about Thomas …” He starts.

“That’s okay.” I say smiling at him, trying to hide my jealousy. “Do you wanna keep walking, or wanna go back?”

“Let’s go back, I want to enjoy the warmth and peace from our room.” He kisses my cheek and all that I want is that he keeps being soft with me.

We walk for some time in silence, I think about his plan of staying all day in our room, but then I remember about the dinner that his aunt invited us.

"What time we have to be on your aunt?"

"We don't have to go if you don't want to." I look away, a bit disappointed. I may be understanding everything wrong, maybe he doesn't want to be seen with me.

"If you don't want me to go, I'll stay." He looks at me confused. “Look Baz, I'll understand if you don't want to tell anyone. About us.” I look away again.

“What?” He stops walking. We were almost in our room.

“I know I’m not like you.” He raises his eyebrow, questioning me. “I know I’m not posh and rich and I would probably embarrass you, like with that guy we met yesterday. I know you didn't want to be seen with me. And I’m not like that Thomas guy …”

“Simon, please stop.” He says staying in front of me. “I don’t want you to be like Thomas. In fact, I’m very thankful that you are nothing like him. And yes, I didn't want Jefferson to know you or your name yesterday, but only because I didn't want him to tell about you to my father, he is a cruel man, and I want to keep you away from him for as long as I can. And I wanted you to met Fiona, because she’s the only one of my family who is decent, but I know that she could be overwhelming and maybe you wouldn't want to spend Christmas with her.” He leans to me, touching my forehead with his. “I love you, Simon, I want to be with you, and I want everyone knows that we are together. And I would love to introduce you as my boyfriend….” I cut his speech. It was a really good one, but I had something more important to do.

I kiss him. His words were pulsing in my head. He wants me to be his boyfriend. I was not understanding wrong then.

“I would love being introduced as your boyfriend.” I say to him. “I love you too and honestly I want to scream to everyone that we are together. Also, I’m sorry, I was being jealous before. It’s just that, I hated to see you dating around with anyone but me.”

“Well, I was dating around because I thought I couldn't have you.” He says.

“I hate us.” I say and he laughs. “Come on, I still want to enjoy the warmth and peace from our room.” He smiles at me.

Exactly when we reach our door, Baz's phone rings, I look to him and see him frowning to his phone.

"What?" I ask while I open the door.

"That was fast." He says showing his phone to me. It was his father.

"You think is because of yesterday?"

"Probably. He is not the kind of preoccupied father who calls all the time." He throws his phone at his bed.

"You'll let it ringing?"

"Yeah." He takes off his shoes and lay down on my bed pulling me with him. "I don't wanna anything to ruin this day, especially if it is my father." He kisses me.

"I think this is the best Christmas ever." I say laughing.

"Agree." He laughs with me.

**Baz **

We spend the whole day watching movies again. Or pretending to watch while we snogged. I don't care, kissing Simon was better than I had ever imagined, and in my imagination, it was already great.

Fiona called me in the middle of the afternoon to check if we were really having dinner with her. I was a little preoccupied with what she could say in this dinner, but I was also excited. I want Simon to meet her. She was always there for me when I need it.

"You think your aunt is gonna like me?" Simon asks when we are changing our clothes to leave.

"Yeah," I say. "as long as I'm happy, she'll love you, just like me." I kiss his cheek. "Well, not exactly like me." He laughs. "But I already warn you that she is crazy, and has no boundaries."

"And you love her." He says smiling. "You sound very fond of her."

"Yeah. She was always with me, and after what happened with my mother, we became closer." I tell him. "She was my confidant, I think she still is." I laugh remembering some things I told her when I was younger. "She was the first person I told I was gay, and the only one who knew I was in love with you."

"That's nice." He smiles again. "And the pressure just got bigger." He looks at himself in the mirror. "You think I look okay?"

"Love, you look more than okay, always." I say and his smile comes back, even bigger. Then I realize what I just called him. I start to think in excuses, but he just kisses my cheek and says.

"I like that, a lot." I smile too.

"Okay." I say still smiling. "It's time to go, love." He grins and kisses me.

"Then let's go." I nod to him and we leave our room.

Fiona's flat was close, so we choose to walk until there. And of course, that was a great excuse to hold Simon again while we walk. I never thought I would be this lucky.

I ignore some of the judgmental looks we receive it. I don't know if Simon notices as well, or if he's still worried about knowing my aunt. Knowing him, I would bet in the second option.

"Did you told Bunce?" I ask him after some minutes in silence.

"What?" He looks at me.

"Did you told Bunce? About us?" He shakes his head.

"Not yet. I'm a little scared if I'm being honest."

"Why?"

"Because she would make a thousand questions. I think that sometimes she knew I was at least attracted to you, but I even told her I was bi."

"Why didn't you told her?" He sighs.

"I knew I was attracted to you since I was fifteen, but I was confused. I was attracted to Agatha for some time too and I didn't want to put labels on me. I figure that I was bi only a couple of years ago, and I didn't found the words to tell Penny. Sometimes I think she knows but is waiting for me to tell her. I'll tell when she comes back." He looks to me. "And this is important, it's not something I want to tell in a phone call."

"Okay, take your time." I squeeze his shoulder.

"But you can tell your friends if you want to. And to your aunt."

"You don't mind if I tell her today?" He shakes his head.

"No, and I don't think we would be able to hide, she'll read in our eyes." He laughs.

"I guess you're right. She's not thick like us." He laughs again.

We keep walking in silence for the rest of the walk. Simon is shaking with the cold wind, so I keep pulling him closer to me, he doesn't complain and smiles to me every time.

We reach Fiona's building and I realize I'm nervous. I'm about to introduce my first boyfriend to my aunt. But what lets me worried, it's that I'll introduce the crazy Fiona to Simon. I drop my arm from Simon's shoulder and he drops his arm as well. He looks at me, and I can see he's nervous too.

I knock and we wait a couple of seconds until my aunt yells to us "Coming" and more a minute until she finally comes to open the door.

"Basilton." She smiles at me. "It takes a lonely holiday so you can come to see your only aunt?" I roll my eyes, but she pulls me to a hug. "I missed you, you know."

"I know." She pinches my arm and I laugh. "I missed you too. Can we come in now?" With these words she lets me go and turns to look to Simon. I pull him inside the flat. "You can stare at him while we are inside too." I say already taking off my coat and hanging it.

"So, you're the roommate." My aunt says looking at Simon. Really looking.

"Uh … Yes. Thank you for having me here today." He blushes a little and I go take his coat too because my aunt is a terrible host. Once I hang it she starts to laugh.

"Oh, when you said you were not alone, you really mean it right?" Simon looks confused at me, but I also don't understand what she meant. She turns to me grinning. "You made an excellent choice by not going to Paris. Malcolm would be exploding right now if he was here." She laughs again.

"What the hell are you talking about?" She was sounding really crazy right now.

"I understand why you didn't want to come today. If I were you I also would prefer to be alone, in my room, fucking and leaving marks in my roommate." I feel the blood rising to my cheeks when I understand. The hickeys. Simon looked so embarrassed as I was.

"And that's why I didn't want to come." I say to her, pretending I was not embarrassed. I want to say that we are not fucking (yet), but what I want more is to change the subject. "And before you reply, let me be more polite than you and introduce you properly." I look at Simon. "Snow, this is my almost harmless aunt Fiona." I look to her. "Fiona, this is Simon Snow," I've been waiting so long to say that, I have to control myself to no giggle. "My boyfriend." I allow myself smile a bit when I see Fiona's eyes in shock and the goofy smile on Simon's face.

"Boyfriend?" She raises her eyebrow at me. "Malcolm will lose it when he knows. Please let me be with you when you tell him." I roll my eyes and she laughs. "It is very nice to meet you, Snow." She says to Simon. "If you break his heart I'll hunt you and kill you." I roll my eyes again, but Simon seems a bit scared.

"That's not in my plans." He says to her.

"Okay, let's eat." I take Simon away from her. "Do you need some help?" She shakes her head.

"No, just sit and eat." She smiles maliciously. This is going to be a long dinner.

** Simon**

We are eating in almost silence. I feel Fiona's eyes on me, wanting to say something, to tease us more. But every time she opens her mouth, Baz looks angrily at her and she just laughs and keeps eating, waiting to say something.

"So," she starts before Baz could stop her. "when did you both start dating?"

"Yesterday." I say at the same time Baz says.

"Today." Fiona raises her eyebrow to us.

"We got together yesterday, but we officially start to date today." I say and Baz nods.

"I see." She drinks whatever is in her glass and looks to me. "You also ditched your family's company on these holidays?"

"Fiona." Baz calls her in an angry tone.

"Uh... No, I don't have a family." I try to smile.

"I always thought that son of a bitch, the bastard Davy was kind of your family, and that he took you in for the holidays." I feel my heart beating loud with the mention of Davy.

"Fiona." Baz calls her again, sounding angrier than before. "Stop."

"That's okay Baz." I say giving a weak smile to him. "He really is a son of a bitch and no he's not my family." I say looking at her.

We didn't talk about Davy and my search for my parents today. Like we were trying not to ruin Christmas, we avoided the topic. But I was okay. Fiona starts to say something, but Baz cuts her.

"Let's just change the subject." He says. "Traveling too much?" He asks Fiona.

She realizes that she said something she shouldn't and just starts answering Baz's questions, not paying attention to us. Baz looks to me and nods like he was asking if I was okay, I just nod back, smiling to him.

"But tell me," She starts when she finishes her stories. "what you'll do after college?" She asks me.

"I don't know yet. I’m still figuring it out what I’m good at it.”

“Don’t rush, you are still young, I’m pretty sure that soon you’ll find out.” She says to me and I smile at her. It was nice to hear an adult say this. “What about you?” She turns to Baz. “Your father didn’t destroy your dream about music right?”

“No, but I’ll finish college for him though.”

“You shouldn't. He never made anything for you. Not thinking about you anyway.”

“My mother would want me to finish.” He says and Fiona seems to think about it and then she nods.

“If he tries created some trouble to you, come talk to me okay? To any of you.” She says looking at us. “I’ll put him in his place.” I see Baz smiling at her.

“I don’t think we’ll need, but thank you.” He says.

**Baz**

Despite the begin of the dinner, when Fiona just couldn't shut up and talk about Davy, the rest of the night was fun. She was nice to Simon and less ironic than I expected. But still, I couldn't wait for when we should leave. I wanted to be alone with Simon again.

“I won’t offer for you to stay here, because I know you both must be dying to go back to your private room.” She laughs as Simon and I blush again.

"I refuse to answer that." I say as I take our coats. "Thank you for dinner." I hug her. "I'll visit you more I promise."

"I'll wait. And you too, Snow. I won't lose another chance to make you both embarrassed." I roll my eyes, but Simon laughs with her.

"I will, thank you for the dinner, it was delicious." He says.

We put our coats, say our goodbyes and then we leave to the cold air of the streets. As soon as we reach the sidewalk Simon puts his arm around my waist.

"With this cold, I rather walk this close." He says smiling.

"I'm not complaining." I say as I wrap my arm around his shoulders. We walk for some time in silence before I ask. "Are you okay? I'm sorry about Fiona asking all that."

"That's okay. I'm okay. Really." He looks to me. "I won't be able to avoid that talk forever."

"I know, I just didn't want anything to ruin your day."

"It hasn't. Your aunt is very funny actually. Despite the fact she tried to embarrassed us." He laughs.

"She won't stop doing it that never." I say. "But is a good thing. It means she likes you."

"I liked her too." He says.

I just squeeze his shoulder and we keep walking. Once we get inside our room, Simon pushes me against the door and kisses me.

"I wanted to do that since we left our room." He says against my lips.

"Good to know we were thinking the same." I feel him smiling.

I walk with him, without breaking our kiss, to my bed. He falls when he hits the mattress and I fall with him, already feeling his fingers running through my hair.

"That was definitely the best Christmas ever." He says still smiling.

I just smile too. This was the best Christmas of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to write Snowbaz fluff just like I love to read, I think all of us do, right? Rainbow needs to give us more fluff moments in the third book.
> 
> Back to the fic, are you liking so far?  
I love the comments on the last chapter, they truly made my day <3  
Thank you to everyone who is leaving kudos too.  
Hope you all liked this chapter, see you soon ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Simon**

Baz and I start to have a new routine. We wake up, kiss for some minutes, get up, go eat something, get back to our room, kiss more, watch a movie, kiss a little more, go eat again, if it's not raining we take a walk, if it is we get back to the room and watch a movie again with more kisses involved and then sleep in each other's arms.

For two days it is all that we do. We don't talk about Davy or my mother, or his father. We don't talk about bad things. We only stay together. And kiss. A lot. We have many years to compensate.

"Do you wanna go somewhere different today?" Baz asks me when we leave in the morning.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. We could go to Hyde Park, is happening that Christmas thing." I look at him.

"Winter Wonderland?" I ask excitedly.

"I guess it is."

"Yes, please let's go there. I always wanted to go but never could." Baz puts his arm around me.

"It's decided then." He kisses my cheek and we go take our breakfasts.

We sit in a cafe and Baz go take our food, meanwhile, I look at my phone and see a new text from Penny, that I haven't seen it yet. She sends it last night, it was a picture of a flat that her parents were buying it. Under the picture she sends it.

P: Say hello to your new home.

I smile with that. It would be nice to have a home.

"Good news?" Baz asks when he gets back to the table.

"Yeah, check it out." I show him the picture. "Penny's parents are buying this flat from her, so she doesn't have to live in the dorms anymore, and I'll rent a room there. If she lets me, of course, she keeps saying that I don't need to pay, but I would feel better." I stop talking when I see Baz frowning. "Something wrong?"

"No." He shakes his head and tries to smile. "I just didn't know you were leaving the dorms."

"Yeah, I mean I can't stay there forever. I thought you would leave too." I heard him talking to his friends about it.

"Maybe. It depends on my father's will." He shrugs.

"If Penny's flat has a third room you could rent it too." I smile. "Or share mine, we share rooms since we were eleven anyway." Is his time to smile at me.

"I don't know if Bunce will like to have me as a roommate."

"Yeah, you are kinda an asshole." I laugh when he looks offended. "But with the kisses, I barely notice anymore."

"I doubt it would work with Bunce." He laughs. "But I have to see with my father, maybe I end up with Fiona. She might be a better roommate than you." He smirks at me.

"Hey, I'm a great roommate."

"I have to disagree, and I would know above everyone else, you're sloppy and noise, and sometimes kinda annoying." He smirks again when I huff at him. "At least you keep our room warm all the time."

"Now I keep you warm all the time." I blush.

"Definitely something to consider. And please don't stop." I smile.

We finish our breakfast and get back to the street. I can't contain my excitement. Even the cold weather could discourage me. I was about to have a perfect day with my perfect boyfriend. I still couldn't believe that.

**Baz**

Simon looks like a little kid when we reach Hyde Park. His eyes were shining and he was grinning so hard, that it was difficult not grin too. He kept pulling me to different sides, not knowing what to see it first.

"If I had known that you wanted to come so bad, I would have brought you before." I say smiling when he stops to see the ice ring.

"Yeah. I know that must seem crazy, but I always saw on tv, and at Watford, a few kids talked about it every time we came back from Christmas break, so I wanted to come too." He shrugs.

"Is not crazy." He turns to me. "I'm happy I'm the one bringing you here."

"Me too." He gives me a quick kiss. "Penny said that she would bring me, but with the tests and her trip we forgot." He shivers with the cold.

I pull him to me hugging him. For once he is colder than me, and that just makes me hug him tighter. I rest my chin on his bronze curls, his arms are around my waist and his nose is in my neck. Even with the scarf, I can feel his breathing. I still can't believe that this is real. I kiss his hair.

"Do you wanna try?" I ask him.

"What?" He pulls back a little, to look at me.

"Do you wanna ice skating?" His eyes glint.

"Will you hold me if I fall?" There's a slight flush in his cheeks. I kiss his nose.

"Always, love." He grins.

I pay for our tickets before Simon could complain, and in a couple of minutes, I'm pulling him slowly to the ring. I already have done this a couple of times, and I'm pretty decent on it.

Simon though is struggling to keep standing, and the only reason he didn't fall yet, is because I'm holding him. We take a few laps until he starts to feel more confident.

"Wanna try to go faster?" I ask him.

"Okay." He nods but I see a bit of fear on his eyes.

I let go of his arm, but keep holding his hand. Then I stay in front of him, leading the way.

"Once you feel confident enough I'll drop your hand." He looks scared but nods.

Then we start to go faster, and his concern fades from his eyes. But when I'm about to drop his hand, he trips in something and falls taking me with him.

Simon is beneath me, his eyes are closed and I feel him shaking with the cold coming from the ring. I look worried at him.

"Simon, are you okay? You're hurt?" Then he laughs.

"No. That was awesome." He laughs again and I laugh too, relieved that he was okay.

I help him to stand, he puts his hands on his knees and again I'm worried that he is hurt.

"Are you really okay?" He looks at me smiling.

"Yeah. But let's get out? Is too bloody cold in here." I smile at him.

"Let's go. There's plenty of things to see." We leave the ring but the cold doesn't leave us. "Want a hot chocolate?" He nods enthusiastically at me.

**Simon**

I'm so happy, that I'm afraid that something bad will happen to destroy that. I try to stop thinking about that and just enjoy the place, the food, Baz.

He's being absolutely amazing with me. I would never expect him to be so soft and lovingly. I feel that each second I fall more in love with him than before. Every time he pulls me closer, kisses me, calls me 'love', I feel my heart beating faster and vividly.

We are in the line to get on the Ferris wheel and Baz's arm is around me again, for once he's warmer than me and I use that as an excuse to keep closer to him. I'm drinking the hot chocolate that Baz bought for us, and I finish some seconds before it is our turn to go.

We sit in our boot and I enjoy that Baz is in the same height than me, and put my arm around him. He comes closer to me and puts his head at my shoulder.

"I like this." I tell him when we start to move.

"Me too." He admits.

We keep in silence for some moment and then I lean my head to his.

"Thank you, Baz." I say kissing his hair.

"For what?"

"For this. For you being you." He lifts his head and looks to me. "These last few days have been amazing because of you. I just … I love you." He smiles at me.

"I love you too." I kiss him.

I shiver again when we reach the top and Baz laughs, he pulls my arm down from his shoulder and put his arm around me.

"Let me warm you today, love." My heart melts.

We stay in there, in silence until we get back to the floor, I just appreciate the warmth coming from Baz and Baz maybe is appreciating the fact that he is the warm one today.

**Baz **

The whole day we keep eating different things (Simon's request), playing in different things, trying to win something. Simon wins a teddy bear and gives it to me.

"Accept as my Christmas gift." He says smiling.

"That's not fair, I didn't get you anything."

"This whole day is my gift, love." I have to control myself to not giggle. Simon Snow just called me 'love'. I smile at him. "Do you wanna go back to our room?" He asks looking at me.

"You don't wanna see anything else?" He shakes his head.

"I've seen enough." He puts his arms around my neck, hugging me and whispers on my ear. "Now I need our private and quiet place to snog you senseless." His words make me shiver. In a great way.

"Well, we better get going then, I don't want to let you waiting." I smirk to him and he blushes.

I let my lips touch his, but is so fast that it doesn't satisfy any of us. The way he's looking at me, makes me want to push him in a three and kiss him hard. To suck another bruise on his skin. Or maybe something else.

"We really need to get back to our room." Simon says and I see desire flashing on his eyes like it was reflecting my own. I just nod to him and we leave.

We walk the faster we could. We must seem desperate, but I don't care. We barely had kissed today and now that I finally had taste Simon's lips, I didn't want to stop.

"Can we stop to buy something to eat?" I look at him.

"We have been eating for the whole day." He laughs.

"Not to eat now. But later I'll be hungry." I laugh too.

I'm about to say something but someone shouts Simon's name and we turn to see. Simon squeezes my hand when we see who it is.

**Simon **

Davy was standing a few inches from us. He had a bottle of vodka in his hand. I feel my heart accelerated. He was about to ruin our perfect day.

"I've been looking for you." He says coming closer to us. I step back pulling Baz with me.

"What do you want?"

"Money." He says like it was obvious.

"I don't have any. And even if I had I wouldn't give it to you."

"But you do have it. Your grandmother, Lucy's mother is extremely rich. Let me take you to her and you'll be richer than you ever expected." He walks faster to me and holds my arm.

"I won't do this. I won't go anywhere with you." I say and I try to pull my arm back but he tightens his grip. "Let me go." I pull again.

"The money is waiting for us Simon, let's go there. Ruth will be so happy to see the son of her beloved daughter that won't even realize that I'm there. She won't have time to remember she hates me." He starts to laugh like a madman and tighten his grip in my arm again.

"I don’t care about the money, I won't go with you." I say still trying to pull my arm, and then he pushes me to a wall, holding the collar of my shirt. "Let me go." I yell, scared, at the same time Baz yells.

"Let him go." He tries to pull Davy and it seems very much as what happened in Davy's place. People pass for us scared and curious.

"I won't let you ruin my plans." He almost spits on me. "Since I knocked up your mother, I waited for this, of course, I wanted her by my side, but I can't change that. I had given up my plan until you walked into my house, sad and needy. It was perfect." He laughs again.

"Let him go, you'll hurt him." Baz says trying to push Davy away from me. "He won't do what you want, so let him go."

"Stay out of it. This is nothing to do with you, it is between me and my son." He gives me a cruel smile.

"I'm not your son." This seems to affect him somehow and he steps back.

"Yeah, you're right." He looks at me with disdain. "My son would never be so weak and broken. I should let you stay in that shitty orphanage I found you." I feel my eyes burning. I blink and then Davy is on the floor.

His nose is bleeding and Baz is above him holding the collar of Davy's shirt, his right hand standing a few inches from his face.

"Don't you ever talk to him like this." He releases Davy and stands again. I never saw him so angry as now. "And don't look for him anymore, if you do we will call the police and you'll go to a place that you really deserve." He turns to me and the anger fades. "Are you okay?" He cups my face.

"Yeah." I close my eyes and he passes his arm around me.

"Let's go, love. Let's go home."

I look one last time to Davy, who is still lying on the floor, and then I turn away with Baz. I feel sick with what just happened. After we walk for a while, when we are far away from Davy, I stop.

"Simon?" Baz stands in front of me. "Are you okay?" He asks again, his fingers brushing my cheek. I close my eyes with his touch.

"I think I'm gonna throw it up." My breathing starts to accelerate I might have an anxiety attack.

"Breathe slowly." Baz says. "It's over. He won't bother you anymore." He hugs me and kisses my forehead. "It's okay now, love. I won't let him come closer to you again." I cry in his arms.

** Baz**

I feel so useless. Simon is crying in my arms for some minutes and I don't know what to do. I wish I could have punch more that son of a bitch.

"That's why he took me to Watford." Simon says. His voice is raspy with the cry.

"What?" I step back a bit to look at him. The pain on his eyes breaks me and it makes me want to cry too.

"He wasn't doing a generous thing taking me to Watford. He didn't want to be a father. He wanted me to lead him to the money. To my mother's money." He cries again. "I hate him. I wish I could forget everything about him."

"I'm sorry everything happened like this. He's a terrible person, and I know that forget him sounds great now, but things will get better. And I meant what I said, if he comes back again we go to the police and get a restraining order. He won't get close enough to hurt you again in either way." He nods to me.

He steps closer to me and lays his head on my shoulder, I hug him and run my fingers through his hair.

"Why he's alive and not my mother?" He asks.

"I ask that to myself every day." I confess to him.

"I guess we both were cursed with a nightmare father." He laughs, but there is no humor on it.

"I guess so." He stays quiet for a minute and then he speaks again.

"All those things he said it … I think is the first time I am grateful for growing up without a father. What if I had stayed just like him? What if I end up like him?"

"That's impossible." I tell him, while I rub his back. "You're kind and lovely, and you are so good." I step back to look at him. "This is who you are and even when you followed his steps you were still you. The best person I've ever met. You may share his blood but that's all." I kiss his forehead.

"You are amazing, you know that?" He gives me a shy smile, and then he sighs. "I want to put that behind us and let Davy on the pass. But tomorrow I will start to look for Ebb."

"I'll help you." He nods.

We start to walk again and Simon doesn't say anything else. I ask if he still wants to buy something to eat but he shakes his head.

When we get into our room, he just walks in and goes to shower. I'm afraid he will stay like the other day when he didn't eat or said anything for some time. I don't want him to keep suffering alone.

After some minutes he leaves the bathroom and comes to lay down in my bed, with me, his head on my chest.

"I hate that he ruined our perfect day." He almost whispers.

"I'm sorry. I know you were having fun."

"I was. Everything was perfect. It was our first date. Officially."

"I'll take you to many more. They'll be a hundred times better." I say against his hair. He looks at me.

"Thank you, I'll love every one of them." I kiss him.

"Do you wanna talk?"

"No. I just want to forget." He sighs. "Let's watch a movie."

"Okay, but promise me that you'll talk when you are ready. Don't need to be with me. Just talk to someone. It hurts much more try to deal with everything by yourself. I've been through this and doesn't make any good to keep that inside you."

"I know, I just don't wanna talk now."

"Okay." I kiss his hair. He seems to be thinking for some seconds and then he asks me.

"When you say that you have been through this, you mean because of your mother?" I nod.

"Yeah, I never been too good at talking with other people, but after her death, it was worse. I saw a therapist for a while, and it helped me. After some time my father thought I was good enough and I stop seeing her, but I learned not to keep everything to me. It was when I and Fiona became closer." He moves so his face is in my neck.

"I'm sorry about your mother. I know I already said it, but I'm sorry." He says against my skin.

"I'm sorry too." I say. "What movie do you wanna watch?" I ask knowing that he didn't wanna talk about that anymore.

** Simon **

I was eleven again and it was summer. The room I shared with the other nine boys was too hot, and I was sweating more than usual. A woman that I didn't remember the name come to call me.

"There is a man downstairs wanting to talk to you. Come on."

I follow her confused. Who is looking for me? I didn't have any family. Could it be someone wanting to adopt me? Or maybe my parents wanting me again? Or looking for me after I was put to adoption by mistake?

It's impossible to keep still now, with all these thoughts. The short walk seems to take the triple of the time. When we finally get to the room, a man stands and smiles, but when he sees me his smile fades.

"This is the boy I asked?" He asks with disgust.

"Yes, this is Simon Snow." The woman answers.

"No, that must be a mistake. This weak and pathetic boy can't be Simon Snow."

"I'm sir." I say shyly.

"Impossible. Simon Snow is my son, and he never would be like you."

"I'm your son?" I ask surprised.

"Of course not. You're a disappointment." He looks at me again and says. "Your mother did the right thing leaving you here."

"No. Take me with you." I yell, but the woman pulls me and takes me away, to my room again.

When she locks the door everything changes. I'm older now, seventeen or eighteen, I'm wearing old clothes, that are almost too small for me. I'm outside a cafe when I see the most gorgeous boy I've ever seen. I don't know him, I've never seen him before, but somehow I know his name.

"Baz." I shout and he turns to me looking disgusted at my clothes and me.

"Snow." He sneers. How does he know my name? Does he know me? "Still begging for me?" He smirks. "You were never worthy of me. You never saw that I'm much better than you, that I deserve someone better." Another boy throws his arm around Baz's shoulder. His name was Thomas. I knew that.

"Let's go love." Thomas says in Baz's ear.

"Move on Snow. I don't want you. Why would I? Neither your parents wanted you." He smirks again.

"But you said you loved me." I say almost crying.

"And you believed?" He laughs. "You don't deserve me. You are pathetic."

No. I think. It can't be right. Baz would never say that to me. But then I think in what he said and in what Davy said. They must be right. I know they are. My parents knew that I didn't worth it. And Baz did it too.

I start to cry. I feel so empty and lonely, that the only thing I can do is cry. My body starts to shake and I realize that I was sobbing. I feel a hand in my shoulder and a voice calling my name.

Simon.

Simon.

"Simon." I open my eyes and see Baz above me. His eyes were full of concern. So different from the dream. "Simon, what happened?" His fingers brush my cheeks and wipe my tears, that I even had noticed that were really falling.

His concern and care with me make me sob. For real this time. Baz looks even more worried to me and then he holds me against his chest.

"It's okay, love. It was just a dream. A nightmare." He whispers in my ear.

"Don't leave me." I whisper still crying and I feel his arms tighten around me.

"Never." He kisses my forehead. "I won't ever leave you. I love you."

I keep my eyes closed. Just listening to Baz saying 'I love you' over and over again, almost if it was a prayer. I don't know how long it takes, but eventually, with his arms around me and his lips in my hair, whispering loving things, I fall asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and the comments, I'm loving it all.  
The excitement of Simon to go to Winter Wonderland actually is mine, I was in London in January but unfortunately, it had already ended, but I hope one day I'll go there, it looks very nice.  
But tell me what you are thinking of the story and about this chapter, please.  
I'll try to be back soon and hope to see you all in my new story.  
See you soon ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Baz**

I almost don't sleep for the rest of the night. I don't know what it was Simon's nightmare, but it's not too hard to figure it out. He doesn't take too long to go back to sleep, and I keep there hugging him, rubbing his arms, and telling that I love him.

I nap for some minutes, but every time Simon moves I wake up, afraid that he could be having another nightmare, but thankfully he doesn't. I was so scared when I woke up with him crying by my side, and the sadness in his eyes and voice, when he asked me to not leave him, almost broke my heart.

It is a relief when the sun starts to illuminate our room. Simon is still in my arms, lying on my chest. He moved sometimes during the night, but in the end, he came back to where he was after the nightmare.

When the sun is finally out, I'm really awake. I don't know how long he'll take to wake up, but I don't dare to move or leave the bed. His nightmare had something to do with someone abandoning him. Maybe his parents, Penelope or me. I don't want him to wake up alone, even if it was for a few minutes.

So, I stay still. Waiting for him to wake up, and hoping that he wouldn't remember the dream. Or at least feeling better about everything. I just want to help him to close that part of his life and help him to move on. He more than anyone that I know deserves to be happy.

It sounds unfair that he can't have a moment of peace and happiness in his life. He already suffered enough for his lifetime, he doesn't need anything else to hurt him. I wish I could to protect him from anything. To make sure that nothing else will hurt him.

He moves a bit and his breathing change, and it's how I know he's awake. I wait for him to look at me or talk about something, but he doesn't. My hopes were in vain then.

"Hey." I say to him. "Good morning."

"Hey." He answers, but he doesn't look up.

"Are you feeling better?" He shakes his head but doesn't say anything else. I think in asking if he wants to talk, but I don't want to pressure him. "Do you wanna eat something?" He shakes his head again.

"I just wanna stay here." His voice is low.

I think in calling to Penelope, but that would involve telling so many things Simon still didn't tell her, and I think is not my place to tell. I don't know what to say to him, but his low voice speaks again.

"I want to enjoy this while it lasts." I pull his chin making him look at me.

"What do you mean with that?" I feel my heart beating fast.

That's it, he realized that we are a mistake. That I'm a mistake.

"I know that you …" He starts to cry again. He looks so broken right now. It hurts to look at him.

"Simon." I wipe his tears. "This is about your nightmare?" He nods and then shakes his head.

"It was at first. But the dream was right." He sits and I sit too.

"What happened in your dream?"

He cries for a while and I just keep in the same place, rubbing his back and waiting. I don't care if he will break up with me (I mean, obviously I care), but he needs someone right now.

"You'll see that I'm not worth it." He says, still not looking at me.

"What?"

"Soon you'll realize, just like my parents did, that I'm not worth it. You deserve better."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I want to cry too. I pull his face to me. "Don't be a moron. You are the most worthy person I know, the one who most deserves love. You deserve better than me. All these years I treated you so bad because I couldn't handle my feelings, and even so you were able to forgive me. It is so hard to believe that you really love me." I lean my head to his and for some time we just breathe together. "I love you so much that hurts." I confess. "I won't walk away. I won't leave you." I pause. "Unless you ask me too." And even so, I might stay.

I look to him and see his shine blue eyes looking at me already, and then he kisses me. This kiss is different, is slow and sweet and tastes salty with his tears.

"I love you." He says. "I'm sorry I keep messing it up, but the dream was so real. And it is so much easy to believe in the bad things." He lays his head in my shoulder. "I don't want you to walk away. Never."

"Good, because I'm not going anywhere." I brush his curls away from his forehead. "And I know you are in a bad place right now. I understand. But you deserve to be happy, and I want to help you with that."

"You don't have to." He mutters. "I know you didn't sign for this. You didn't know how messed up I was." He looks away.

"I always knew you were messed up and I always love it." This makes him look at me again.

"Really?" I nod. "Why?" I smile.

"Because we match." For the first time since last afternoon, he smiles at me too. "I'm very messed up myself and yet you say you love me."

"I do."

"Let's be messed up together then." He smiles again. "Don't you wanna talk to Penelope?" He frowns. "I know that you don't want to ruin her trip or something like that, but maybe you'd feel better talking to her." He shakes his head.

"I'm not gonna feel like this forever, by the time she comes back I'll be better already." He shrugs. "I don't think I would be able to tell everything to her in a phone call. And if I feel like talking, I'll talk to you." He smiles shyly.

"Okay." I smile too. "Do you wanna stay in our room today?"

"Yeah, that would be nice." Then something passes through my mind.

"Do you think Ebb studied in Watford too?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Why?"

"Fiona studied in there too, she could know something about Ebb, or your mother." His eyes glint.

"Really? Can we call her?" He sounds excited.

"Do you wanna do it today?" He nods. "Are you sure?"

“Yeah, let's end this.”

“Okay.” I take my phone and after three rings, Fiona picks up.

“What do you want?” her sharp tone is sleepy on the other side of the line.

“I need to know something.” She hums and I take that as a sign to keep talking. “Did you remember going to Watford with some Ebb? Or Lucy Salisbury?” Simon squeezes my hand.

“Why in the hell do you want to know that?” She sounds impatient.

“Its important Fiona, I'll explain later, just answer my question. Did you knew any of them?”

“I vaguely remember Lucy, but only by name. And I remember Ebb, and you too, Ebeneza Petty, she is Nico’s sister.” I feel something clicking inside my brain.

“Who is Nico?” Simon asks me, while he tried to listen to the call.

“Do you know where she lives?”

“Why do you wanna know that?” I look at Simon and he nods to me.

“We think she knows something about Simon’s mother.” Fiona stays in silence for some seconds and I’m afraid she went back to sleep.

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, wait for me downstairs.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ll take you both to see Ebb, now let me change my clothes and wait for me.” Then she hung up the call.

“What did she said? I couldn't hear it all.” Simon says to me.

“She knows Ebb, she’ll take us to her.” I stand up. “I know Ebb too, her brother was Fiona’s boyfriend for a while, they were in Fiona’s party a few years ago, I barely remember, but I know I met her.” He looks at me. “Are you sure you want to do that today?” I ask again.

“I ... “ He nods reluctantly. “I want to turn this page once for all.”

“Okay. Then let’s go, Fiona will be here in fifteen minutes and she hates to wait.”

**Simon**

I keep biting my thumb and looking at the time on my phone as we wait for Fiona in front of our building. Baz's arm is around me again, he keeps telling me to stay calm, but I can't. I was, finally, about to found out the whole truth and to close that part of my life.

"It's her." Baz says as a black car turn in our direction.

She stops the car and opens the window, takes off her sunglasses and says to us.

"Let's go love birds, I don't have the whole day." Baz rolls his eye.

"Hello, beloved aunt." He drops his arm and goes to the passenger seat.

I sit in the back seat, in the middle, already biting my thumb again and avoiding thinking the worst.

"So what's the story here?" She asks after a minute.

Baz looks to me and I nod, allowing him to tell her everything. I was still a bit afraid that he could turn into the Baz from my dream. My nightmare. But I believed him. He loved me and he wouldn't leave.

"So, when Snow" is weird hear him calling me like that again. "was a child he received a letter from Ebb telling him that she knew his mother and that when he grows older he should look for her. But he lost the letter and didn't know how to find her anymore. Some days ago, he received another letter, one was from his mother and the other was a note from Ebb again telling him to look for the answers on the orphanages he lived."

It seems that what Baz is telling Fiona, it happened weeks, months ago, not only days. So much happened since then.

"We started looking for the answers and in one of the orphanages we found out that Snow's mother was called Lucy and that she studied in Watford." Fiona is incredibly quiet, just listening to what Baz tells her. "Then we went to Watford and found out that she was Lucy Salisbury and that …" Baz looks at me again, probably afraid of bringing Davy to my mind again, but I just give him a small smile and nod to him keep going. "And that she was dating Davy."

"What?" She yells. "That bastard is your father?"

"Yes."

"And he knew?" She looks very angry.

"He did."

"That son of a bitch." I like her every minute more. "You went talk to him?" Baz hesitates to answer, but I speak.

"We did. And he went after me, us, yesterday." I'm still mad about everything. But I'm not sad anymore, I don't feel like crying. "He just wants the money that my grandmother has."

"Son of a bitch." She cursed again. "Do you need help with him?"

"I don't think so. Baz threatened to call the police next time, so I don't think he'll risk it."

"That's my boy." She says to Baz. "And how are you feeling Snow?" She looks to me through the mirror. I think is the softest tone I listened coming from her.

"I've been better." I shrug. "I hope that Ebb will tell me what I want to know."

"It'll be more than twenty minutes to get there." She says and I nod.

I close my eyes and lean my head in the back seat. I feel Baz's hand on my knee, I look to him who seems worried.

"Are you okay?" He asks turning a bit trying to look at me.

"Yeah." I nod to him. He squeezes my knee and then turns back again.

Neither of us speaks for the rest of the way. I see Baz and Fiona shooting worried looks in my direction through the mirror, but I pretend I don't see. I don't want to think about my mother yet, so I start to think about what Baz said to me this morning, about not leaving me.

I truly believe in what he said. It is still hard, especially after the nightmare last night, but the way he looked at me and took care of me, made me feel loved. And I know that it doesn't matter what I'll find out, he'll still be by my side after.

Fiona stops the car in front of a small house and then my heart accelerates again. I didn't know where we were, I've never come to this side of the city, but by the look on Fiona's face, I know we were at Ebb's house.

I'm the last one to leave the car. I try to breathe calmer, but that only makes me more anxious. Baz is waiting for me outside the car, his hand extended to me, I take it and feel better already. The pressure of his fingers against mine is so familiar by now that it makes me calmer.

"Ready?" He asks me when we reach the door. I nod and Fiona knocks.

We hear some movement inside and a muffled voice saying something that we don't understand. A minute later a woman opens the door. She seems to be the same age that Fiona, but they look very different. She looks at Fiona first.

"Fiona." She seems surprised. "How long…" She starts to say something, but then her eyes fall on me and she stops talking.

"Hi," I say, not quite certain of what to say. "I'm …"

"Simon." She smiles. "You look like your mother." She opens more the door. "Come in."

We enter the house in silence, I don't drop Baz's hand at any moment. Ebb offers a sofa for us to seat and takes a chair from the kitchen for her.

"I'm sorry that I didn't go directly to you to tell everything," She says looking at me. "but I've got aware of your relationship with Davy and didn't think you would believe me."

"I'm not here for him." I clear my throat, afraid that I could start crying. "I want to know about my mother." She nods to me.

"Your mother and I were friends since we were kids. Our mothers were friends too, so we grow up together." She seems to me remembering something and smiles. "She was brilliant, had great plans for her future, but unfortunately she wasn't able to do anything." Her eyes start watering up.

"Because of me?" My voice is low and for a moment I feel like a child.

"No, sweetheart." She smiles warmly at me.

"When she started to date Davy, her plans started to change. Your mother was clever, but Davy was even more, and he was, well, I guess he still is, very manipulative." Baz and Fiona huff. "He convinced her that his plans were more important than hers." She sighs. "I don't know how many times I told her to not to forget her plans, but she was in love and of course didn't hear me. With time she started to see that many of their plans or his plans were based on her family's money."

"He was always a greedy bastard." Fiona says.

"Yes, and Lucy only saw that when she got pregnant with you." She smiles sadly. "I remember when she told me. She just had found out and come running to tell me." She looks at me. "She was scared but so happy. She wanted a baby, she wanted to be a mother, and she wanted a family with Davy."

"What happened?"

"She told Davy. First, he was angry. He didn't want a child." That hurts more than it should. "But then he started to like the idea. But instead of being happy because of you, he was happy because, in his mind, a baby was a guarantee that he would have access to Lucy's money." I feel my throat closing and Baz starts to brush his thumb in the back of my hand. "But Lucy always wanted to live by her money, by her efforts, so of course she didn't want the money of her family and Davy didn't take that very well."

"He hurt her?" I ask scared.

"One time." She sighs. "Thankfully, it was enough for her to leave. She came to me, but Davy never was the kind of person you say no to. So, he came after her, yelled, threatened you both and only didn't made anything worse because the police got there. After that, we moved. We didn't tell anyone, we didn't have a plan, but we needed to let you save, so we leave."

"He didn't found you?"

"No. Honestly, I don't know how. But he didn't. The pregnancy started to advance and your mother started to write letters, like the one I send you." She smiles again. "She was very excited to have you, even if her plan had gone wrong. But then, after you born, while you two were still in the hospital, the doctors found out that she was very sick." She pauses for a second, and I think she might start crying, but she just keeps talking. "She was with cancer. Too advanced to do something about it." Baz let go my hand, but put his arm around me, pulling me closer. "They gave her a year before the worst." Tears start to fall from her eyes and only then I notice that I started to cry as well. "She came back to our home with you, totally destroyed. She cried, cursed, yelled until her voice was almost gone." She wipes her eyes and takes her chair closer to me, so she can hold my hand. "See, she wasn't sad because she was dying. She was sad because she wouldn't have enough time to know you, she wouldn't be able to be your mother and to love you as she dreamed for months." I feel my body shaking against Baz's. "After some days, we came with a plan. I would raise you, and would do exactly what Lucy would have done."

"Why you changed your mind?"

"Davy found us, said he wanted to see you and when Lucy didn't let it, he said he would ask for your custody legally. Your mother freaked out. She didn't want to leave you with him. She knew that he was only interested in your money, so she made the hardest choice of her life."

"She left me." I say lower.

"She wanted to keep you safe from Davy, and after she died, Davy would come to take you from me, so yes, she left you." She squeezes my hand. "She cried for hours, holding you with all the strength she had. Cancer took a lot from her, most of her strength, but she refused to leave you. Until she had to." She cries again. "Her goodbye to you was the saddest thing I already saw it. I offered to take you, but she refused. She held you until the last minute, then she came home and cried until she slept." Her grip in my hand becomes stronger. "She died two weeks later."

For a minute the only sound we could hear was Ebb and I crying.

"I had planned to go take you sometime after, but Davy came back, more persistent than never so I had to wait. I send you that letter so you could know that you had someone here for you. When he finally stopped bothering me, I decided that it was time for me to get you, but when I got to the orphanage you weren't there anymore. It took me years to find you again, and when I did it was too late, Davy already had found you and took you to school."

"But he never took me with him, not really."

"I know. Well, I found out a few years ago when I listen to Fiona talks to Nico about Davy and his charity case." I look to Fiona and she shrugs.

"I always hated everything about Davy." She says.

"I didn't want to interfere because, in the end, you were studying in a great school, you had friends. And for a moment I thought that Davy had redeemed himself. But some weeks ago, Ruth Salisbury called me, she said that Davy had appeared there drunk, asking for the money of his child. Ruth was confused, she never knew about you or what happened with Lucy." She looks down. "Lucy asked me to not tell and I never dared to do it. I got worried that he would try to go after you, so I looked for you and send the letter."

I try to process everything that Ebb just told me. Try to understand that my mother didn't want to leave me.

"You still have the letters?" I wipe my eyes.

"I do. Just a moment." She stands and disappears behind a door.

"Hey." Baz's fingers brush my cheeks, wiping my tears. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know." He pulls me closer and touches his lips in my head, kissing me.

"I'm sorry about your mother." He says against my hair. I just nod.

“Here.” Ebb’s voice scares me a bit, making me break apart from Baz. “These are all the letters your mother wrote to you.” She says handing me a box. “I’ve never read it, any of it, but I know she would want me to give it to you. Most of the letters she wrote it when she was pregnant, but the one on top is the one she wrote it, before leaving you in the orphanage.”

“Can I take it?”

“Of course, it's all yours.” I look to the box and then to Ebb.

“Thank you.” Then I look to Baz and his aunt. “Can we go?”

“Yeah.” Baz says rubbing my back and Fiona nods standing up.

Ebb take us to the door and before I could step out, she holds my hand.

“I wish I could have done more for you and Lucy.” She squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry it took so long for you to figure it all out.” She just looks at me for a minute and then she says. “She would be incredibly proud of you.” I feel my eyes tearing up.

“Thank you. Really.” She hugs me and says in my ear.

“Visit me more times and I’ll tell you more about her.” She lets me go.

“I will, soon.” I hold the box tighter as we leave the house.

I go to the back seat again and Baz sits by my side, his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.

The way back home is in silence. Fiona asks somethings, but Baz answers so I don't talk. I just keep thinking about what Ebb told me and think about what my mother could have written it to me.

Without realizing I fell asleep in Baz’s shoulder and only wake up when he calls me, shaking me a little.

“Love.” Baz says when I keep my eyes closed. “Wake up, we are in our building.” I open my eyes slowly and lift my head, allowing him to open the door and leave the car. “Thank you, Fiona.”

“Thank you.” I say to her.

“Anytime.” She says to me. “If you need anything, call me.” I nod and turn away from her, wanting to get in our room.

Baz says something else to her, that I don't listen, and then even before I enter the building, I feel his hand on my waist.

"Do you want me to leave, so you can read the letters?" Baz asks once we are inside the room.

"No." I shake my head. "Sit with me, please." He nods.

We sit in my bed and I take the first letter inside the box.

_Simon, _

_This is not how everything was supposed to happen. This is not how I wanted you to meet me. I'm sorry, for everything. For not being with you when you needed me. For not being your mother, like I dreamed for so many times._

_ If you are reading this, you already met Ebb and she told you everything. So, I'm not gonna waste time explaining myself. This letter is just to tell you how my heart is broken knowing that I'll never meet you properly. Just to tell you that even though I left you in that orphanage, I never wanted to leave you. _

_I loved you since the moment I found out that you were growing inside me. And I thought I knew love, but I only understood what love was, what true love was when I heard your heartbeats when I felt you kicking when I saw your beautiful face and heard you crying. Since then I just wanted to protect you from the world, which also includes your father. I'm sorry for him._

_ I tried to give you a family, and I hope one day you'll have it, even if I'm not a part of it. I hope that you'll find love and happiness and that someday this will be enough. _

_I'm sorry for the scars that I know you'll have it. I'm sorry for not being on your side. My biggest regret is not having enough time with you. And I hope that one day, you'll forgive me, for leaving you. But I'll understand if you don't. _

_I love you and I'll keep loving you, for the rest of the eternity. _

_I'll keep my eyes on you, my rosebud boy. _

_With all my love. _

_Mum. _

The tears started to fall at the moment I start reading it. In the middle, I was already sobbing. Baz holds me against him when I finish it.

"She loved me." I say, my voice muffled against Baz's chest. "I know Ebb said it before, but reading this, with her words makes all more real. I know I sound crazy... "

"Of course you don't." He cuts me. "I can't imagine how relieved you are knowing all the truth." He smiles wiping my tears.

"I'm." I allow myself to smile too. "I know everything is sad. And part of me, a big part of me, is sad thinking how everything happened, how everything could have gone differently if she hadn't died." I look at the letter. "I feel so sorry for her. More than for me. I had a shit childhood and maybe I'll be traumatized for the rest of my life." I joke trying to lighten the mood. "But now I'm in a good place, a great place. I'm studying, and soon I'll have a profession, and I have Penny and you." He smiles again. "And more important I have a future. It hurts to know that she didn't. That even the time she got was too short. Wasn't enough." I clear my throat not wanting to cry again. "But is nice to know that she loved me, that she was trying to protect me. I feel lighter." I smile again.

"That's great." He says while his fingers brush my cheek. "Will you read the other letters?" He points to the box.

"Eventually. But not now." I sigh. "I'm good with this one for now." I say putting the letter back in the box.

"Are you okay?" He sounds worried.

"Not entirely." I hold his hand. "But I will be." He kisses my forehead. "Can we go eat something now?" He laughs.

"We may." He corrects me. "Let's go."

I take his hand and let him guide me without worrying myself, still thinking in my mother's words and feeling truly in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near us :(  
But while it doesn't end, let's talk about this chapter, what do you think?  
Thank you for reading it and please keep sending feedback to me, it's very important.  
I'll try not to take too long to bring the last chapter.  
See you soon ;)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for the last chapter?  
See you all at the end ;)

Chapter 12

**Baz **

Simon doesn't have another nightmare. And I don't know why, but I don't have it either. This could be the best sleep I had in a very long time. When I wake up, my head is in Simon's chest, hearing his heartbeats. His fingers are running through my hair. He is awake then.

I stay still for some seconds, deciding if I look up or if I keep enjoying this. The heat coming through his body. His breathing in my hair. The sound of his heart, that I'm still trying to convince myself, belongs to me. But I know that despite this being very good, I rather look at him, to drink those blue eyes and make him smile.

"Hey." I lookup.

"Hi." He smiles and I breathe relieved.

"You look better."

"I'm." He smiles again. "I had a lovely dream." His fingers brush my cheek. "We were in Paris, drinking a delicious hot chocolate while the Eiffel Tour was sparkling in front of us." I smile too.

"That sounds like a great dream." I kiss his fingers that are still in my face. "Have you ever been there?" I know is unlikely but unfortunately, I don't know all his life.

"No." He laughs. "I barely left this side of the country."

"I'll take you then." His smile gets wider. "I'll help you take your passport and maybe in summer we could go there. And next Christmas we could choose another place to visit. Maybe we could start a new tradition, every year we go to a new place." His eyes are tearing it up and instantly I worry that I said the wrong thing. "Sorry, I said something wrong?" He shakes his head and smiles. The tears still in his eyes.

"No, you said everything right. These are happy tears. I just… It's good to make plans, to think about the future and about us in the future. I know plans can change, but …."

"These won't. I told you before, I'm not leaving. Never." He kisses me.

Our kisses are never the same, and usually, our mood molds them. And every time it gets better. And I only want more and more. It's like Simon's lips are addicting, and I'm definitely addicted to him.

Before we could enjoy better the kiss, a knock in our door makes us break apart and frown to each other. It could be Fiona, but she would call before, and she definitely wouldn't wake before noon.

"I'll open." I leave the bed and Simon stands too but goes to the bathroom.

I don't know what or who I'm waiting for, but I can guarantee that is not my father. I look surprised at him, not knowing what to say. He looks extremely mad, like 90% of the time.

"Basilton." He looks at me and behind me, probably trying to find something. Or someone. "Did you forgot your manners? You won't invite me in?" I contain myself from rolling my eyes.

"Depends on what you want." I cross my arms.

"You know why I'm here." His face is redder each minute that passes.

"Then I don't think I'll." I take a coat and put it, closing the door behind me and going to the hall with my father. Only when I finish zipping the coat I see that is not mine. I took Simon's. "Say what you came to say."

"I heard some rumors about you walking in a street holding hands with a … with a …" He seems embarrassed only speaking the word boy.

"With a boy? Yeah, I was walking with my boyfriend." It looks like his head will explode.

"Why you are doing this?"

"Doing what? Walking on the street with my boyfriend?" I want to say the word as much as I can. I'm done listening to him talk shit about me and my sexuality. "It's what couples do, you know."

"Stop it. I know you only want to get my attention, but you should stop before you ruin our family." He raises his voice.

"Not everything is about you." I raise my voice as well. "I'm not trying to get your attention, it is just who I am. I'm not faking my sexuality to hurt you. I knew I was gay before I knew that this could affect you somehow." I run my fingers through my hair. "And you are the one ruining our family. Do you really believe that mum would approve your behavior?" I don't know if my mother would accept me, but I like to think that she would. My father looks like I slapped him.

"Don't talk about your mother." I see hate in his eyes and I know he still blames me for her death. He takes a deep breath and looks at me. "You'll stop whatever is happening between you and this boy and you'll come home with me. You'll not live in this place anymore." He takes me by my arm but I pull away.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, and I'll not do what you want. It’s my life, I decide what I should do, where I should live, and who I will love."

"Love?" He almost laughs in a cruel way. "How a kid like you could know what love is?"

"I know better than you." I step closer to him. "Love is not suffocating or forbid the person of anything. Is to be there for them, to help when they need, to hold them at the hard moments, to be by their side when they need, and to make everything you can to leave them happy, because you know that their smile is the brightest thing in the world and that their happiness is the only thing that it matters." I think about Simon and about how much I love him. "Is to give them the freedom to choose, even if you are not the choice, or if you don't agree with the choice." Then I think about how I wanted my father to love me, like a normal father. A good one. "Love is giving freedom for them to be what they want, to be who they are." He looks surprised but only says.

"You'll come back with me and do what I'm saying, or I'll disinherit you, and you'll be forbidden to come home." I feel the tears burning my eyes.

"Do it." I challenge him. "If you have forgotten, the biggest part of your money came from my mother, and she left it for me. Which also includes the house. Which means that I can take that away from you." I see the shock in his eyes. "But because I'm feeling too generous and because I love my siblings, you can stay there, at least until they left for college. But I'll take my money, I'll take what my mother left me." We are face to face now. "I don't need you."

"You'll regret this."

"This is a treat?"

"A warning."

"I think you should leave. You already said what you wanted, now you should go back to your family." I see that he wants to say something else but he just closes his mouth and goes away.

When he disappears from my sight, I allow myself to cry, to feel the impact of my father's words, right there in the hall. I hear the door being open and look up to see Simon standing, looking at me, tears also running through his cheeks. He pulls me to his arms and takes me inside, closing the door behind us.

"I'm sorry." He says to me. "I'm so sorry, babe." He whispers in my ear, rubbing my arms that are too cold.

"Did you heard what he said?" He nods.

"Not everything, but a good part of it."

"I don't know why affects me so much. I always knew how he was."

"Of course it affects you, it is always hard listening to these things coming from your family." His fingers are in my hair.

"He's not my family. Fiona is my family. You're my family." I let the words escape from me before I could think.

"You're my family too." He kisses my hair and my heart beats faster for knowing that he feels the same. Then he steps back to look at me. "What will you do now?"

"I'll do what I said. I'll take the money that my mother left to me." He wipes the tears off my face. "And maybe I'll rent a room with Penelope after all." I laugh a bit, and he smiles weakly. "Or I'll end up with Fiona."

"Do you wanna call her?"

"Later, she'll freak out and I don't need this right now." I lean my forehead to his. "I told you I was messed up too."

"We match." I feel the smile on his voice. "What do you wanna do tomorrow then? How do you spend New Year's Eve?" I'm grateful for him to change the subject, for him to know me so well and not pressure me to talk about my father anymore. And it's amazing to see that he's okay. Or okay enough to make me feel better.

"Usually I just stay in my bed, reading a book. Dreaming of kissing you at midnight." I feel my cheeks getting warmer. He laughs and kisses me.

"I can arrange that." His smile falters and he sighs.

"What?"

"I was thinking, since yesterday, maybe, I mean probably…" He starts to stumble in his words, I brush his curls away from his forehead. Then he takes a deep breath and says. "I think I'll look for a therapist." He blushes. "So many things happened, and I never talked to someone professional …" He rubs the back of his neck, looking embarrassed.

"I think it is a great idea. You don't need to be embarrassed because of that, going to a therapist is a great thing. Maybe I should go too, I had problems with my mother's death, and now with my father being what you just heard, I don't know." We just look at each other for a moment. "Our parents screwed us, right?" He laughs.

"They did."

"But let's go back to plan our New Year's Eve."

**Simon **

We spend half of the day out, visiting spots in London that neither of us hasn't seen it yet and the other half snogging in our room. Replacing the bad memories of the last days with better ones.

I still couldn't believe what Baz's father said to him, he was so cruel. And I knew that even though his relationship with his father was already bad, he was terribly sad about it. He called Fiona at night, telling her what had happened. She didn't want to worry Baz, but I knew that she would go after Malcolm.

We wake up with the morning light, still trying to forget our shit fathers and not knowing what to do this night, to celebrate New Year's Eve. I had an idea, but I didn't know how to bring it up, or if Baz would want to. I mean, I think he would, but I need to find a way to say to him and it's not easy to say to your boyfriend that you wanna have sex.

I mean, it should be, but I am kinda embarrassed and I've never had sex before, so I am extremely nervous. But I wanted to happen naturally like I thought it would happen the day after Winter Wonderland. The way Baz was looking at me was giving me chills and I think he was thinking the same thing that I was. But then the day was ruined by Davy and I kinda forgot the plans.

But yesterday when we were in his bed, kissing like the world was about to end, the thought came back to my mind and I know (I felt it) that the same thing was passing through his mind. And what way was better than this to start a new year?

"Do you wanna have dinner tonight?" I ask Baz when he comes back to the room after showering.

"Okay, but we have to go early or everything will be too crowded." I nod to him. "Do you wanna go somewhere to watch the fires?"

"No, I hate big crowds."

"Me too." He looks at me. "After dinner wanna come back and pretend to watch another movie?" He smirks and I almost shudder. Yeah, sex was a great plan.

"Sounds great." I grin at him.

We leave our room before noon and make our plans to stay out until our dinner. Enjoy the last day of the year in London. I don't tell Baz what is my plan for later. I want to say only at the time.

Fiona calls Baz after we eat our lunch, they talk for some minutes and the expression on Baz's face, tells me that she is talking about his father.

"How do you know that?" He asks surprised to her, making me look at him. "It was today?" He keeps glancing at me, so maybe the subject changed from his dad. "I will tell him." This time I frown at him. "Okay. We will, thank you. Happy New Year." He hangs up.

"What happened?" I ask, worried.

"Davy got arrested this morning."

"What?"

"He was drunk and got involved in a fight with a guy, that it happened to be a policeman." I'm very surprised. "It was on the local news."

"I'm a bad person for being happy because of that?" Baz laughs.

"Of course not. He won't be away for too long, but maybe it'll make him stay away from you, for real. You are a very normal person for being happy about that." I nod.

"She said something about your father?" I change the subject.

"Yes,” he sighs. “she went to Hampshire this morning, but he wasn't there. She is madder than I thought it would be possible."

"And she has all the reason for it. Just like you. It is okay to be feeling whatever you are feeling." He sighs again.

"I know." He is about to say something else, but my phone rings.

"Just a second, it's Penny." I say to him. "Hey, Pen."

"Hey, Si." There's too much noise in her side of the line.

"Where are you?"

"Times Square." She laughs.

"But is like 09 A.M in there."

"I know. People take New year's Eve very serious here." She laughs again. "I called you to wish you a Happy New Year, and I know you'll probably sleep early because I'm a terrible friend and left you alone in there." It is my time to laugh.

"You are not a terrible friend. And I'm not alone." Baz raises his eyebrow at me.

"What you mean you're not alone?" I hear the curiosity in her voice.

"I'm with Baz."

"What?" I hear the shock in her voice and I smile to Baz, who smiles back.

"I'm with Baz." I repeat.

"You? With Baz? Your roommate?"

"Yes." I laugh again. God, imagine the surprise when she hears that we are dating. "I told you that we are in good terms." Thinking about what we might do it later, this is the understatement of the year.

"And I'm still curious about it." She complains.

"I'll tell everything once you come back." She huffs. "Happy New Year Penny, go enjoy New York and your boyfriend and don't worry, I'm fine." Baz squeezes my hand and I think that I'm better than fine. I'm where and with who I'm supposed to be.

"Okay, but once I come back we will have a long conversation." I smile. "Happy New Year Si, I love you."

"I love you too Pen, talk to you later." She gives me goodbye and hangs up.

"So, we are in good terms?" Baz asks.

"I'd say that." I lean closer to him and let my lips brush his, only teasing him. "Let's go, I still want to see the London Eye."

"You look like a tourist." He complains but lets me pull him.

**Baz **

Simon is teasing me the whole day, which makes me wonder if he means something with that and also makes me plan a great thing for us to do while everyone is on the streets celebrating. A more private celebration.

We have dinner in a nice restaurant that doesn't need a reservation. And it feels so nice to have a date with him, to forget all the bad things that happened in the last days and only focus on us. On the good things. Simon looks a lot better since he read the letter from his mother and despite I still being mad and upset about the fight with my father, I also feel happy. I feel bad for my father don't accept me, of course, but I have other people in my life. I have Simon, which is more important.

“Thank you for the dinner, babe.” Simon says when we leave the restaurant. This was a new thing that I was liking, him calling me babe. “Next time I’ll pay.”

“Okay.” I agree because I know that it's no use saying another thing. “Wanna go somewhere else before we head back to our room?” He blushes a little and that makes me think if he is planning the same as me.

“No, the streets are starting to get crowded.” At the same moment that he stops talking, a group of people passes through us cheering and drinking, and one of them almost hits Simon by accident. “See my point?” He laughs and I nod to him.

We walk trying to avoid the streets that we know are too full. It takes us some extra time, but at least we don't pass through a bunch of drunk people. Simon’s phone rings when we get in our building, it’s Bunce, who send it to him a picture of her and her boyfriend at the Times Square.

The warmth coming from our room is very pleasant, especially because it was very cold outside. We take off our coats and I realize that I’m nervous. I know what I want to, what I hope to happen, but I hadn't thought too much about how to get there. How to bring this talk right now?

But then I look to Simon and see that he’s biting his thumb and looking weirdly at me, his cheeks blushing hard. Now I’m almost sure that his intentions are the same as mine, but yet I need to confirm. So I put my best confident look, raise my eyebrow at him and ask.

“Something wrong?” I sit in my bed, but Simon keeps in the same place, now rubbing his neck.

“No, I just… I wanted ... Maybe …” I contain myself from laughing because is very cute the way he is babbling.

“Use your words, Snow.” I tease him and he gives me a look that almost breaks my facade.

“Fuck.” He swears and then he climbs on my lap and kisses me. “I want to have sex with you.” His cheeks are bright red now, and I think he looks cuter if it's possible. I let his words get in my mind, thinking how long I wanted to hear those words coming out from his mouth. He takes my silence as rejection and goes back to babbling. “But we don't have to, you know .. If you don't want to …” I cut him with my mouth.

“Don't be a numpty. I’ve dreamed with that for too long.” I confess against his lips.

Then, I turn us, throwing him in the bed, under me and kiss him desperately.

“I’ve never …” He tries to say between kisses.

“What? Never had sex with a boy?” I ask him. I know that. He told me that I was the first bloke he kissed, so obviously it was his first time with a boy.

“No. With anyone.” I stop my kisses and look at him, surprised. His cheeks are again blushing, which makes him adorable and sexy. I don't know how to explain it.

“Really?”

“Now I’m feeling weird.” He blushes even more.

“No. Don't.” I kiss him again. “I’m just surprised, because look at you.” He makes a funny face to me, almost frowning. “You’re too fucking gorgeous.” It’s true, how he was still a virgin?

“Well, I never wanted to sleep with anyone else.” I kiss his cheeks, that are still very red.

“Okay.” I say. “But, we don't have to do this now. We can wait if you’re not ready.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I’m ready. I’ve been ready for you for a long time.” I didn't know it was possible for my heart beating even faster.

So, I just nod to him and then I lean in his direction, taking his lips on mine.

**Simon **

Baz lips leave a trail of goosebumps in my skin. I feel so hot right now, that I'm afraid I'll burst into flames. And he is just kissing me. My lips. My cheeks. My eyes. My neck. Everything really. And I'm loving every minute of it.

His tongue licks a spot in my neck, a very special spot, what makes me gasp with his touch, and then he let his lips brush against it. In the next second, he is sucking a bruise in my skin and I gasp harder. I feel him smirking against my neck and I know that he is enjoying this as much as I am.

While his mouth comes back to mine, his fingers go down, to the hem of my t-shirt. He plays a little with it, letting his cold fingers touch my back, which somehow makes my skin even hotter. After some seconds his fingers travel back to the t-shirt and I lift my arms, allowing him to take it off. And just like that, my t-shirt ends on the floor.

After that, Baz just stares at me. His right hand still on my hip and the left one on my face. His fingers stroking my cheek. I see the corner of his mouth turning up as he leans against me slowly, too much on my opinion, and lets his lips being pressed against mine. Then, slowly again, he pushes back and looks at me.

"You're perfect." He whispers. "I love you."

And I believe in him. The way he is looking at me. The way he is kissing my body. The intensity of his voice, of his words.

At this moment I feel more than loved, I feel worshiped.

**Baz **

Simon's eyes have a different sparkle. I think he is crying, but then he smiles at me, and closes the distance between us, kissing me passionately and then turns us up.

His lips are hot against my cold skin. I feel like he could burn me with his kisses. And I'm loving every minute of this. Of the way, his tongue explores my mouth desperately. Of how his hands travel through my body, making me crave for more. Of how he teases me with his teeth, scratching my skin.

His fingers start to unbutton the top buttons of my shirt. His mouth follows the open buttons, kissing, licking, sucking the exposed skin, and making me moan. When he finishes opening my shirt, he pushes it through my shoulders and then throws it on the floor and comes back to try to suck a bruise on my chest. How this boy has never done this before?

His lips trail my collarbone, while his teeth bite me, lightly, what makes me moan louder. I've had enough fantasies of this moment to know that this reality beats any fantasies.

"You're so fucking beautiful." He whispers on my ear, and then he looks at me. "I love you."

I feel my heart beating so strong and loud, that for a second I think Simon can hear it too. And then, I wonder how I got here, in the arms of the boy I love. The only boy I've ever loved. Listening to him to say the words that once I just dreamed of hearing.

I think I never loved him so much as right now. And is with that thought that I chase his lips and pull him back down, kissing him with all that I have.

When we break apart, his lips start to go down as he starts to mark what is for sure, the best night of my life.

**Simon **

We lost track of the time. The room is cold and dark, but we are under blankets, and Baz is laying on my chest and by now I've warmth him enough, so I'm perfectly comfortable. We've been in silence for some minutes now, but I can't sleep, and for his breathing, I know he can't it either.

The silence is broken when we hear a loud celebration and the fires on the sky. Baz looks up and he's smiling, and I think he never looked so beautiful as right now, and that I never loved him as much as I do now.

"Happy new year, love." He kisses my jaw.

"Happy new year." We stare at each other for some seconds. "I have a feeling that this year will be great."

"Do you?" He smiles again.

"Yeah, I've some many plans about this year." I say.

"Me too, many things planned for the future."

"I'm on your future?" I ask, teasing him.

"You are my future." He stops smiling and his thumb starts to brush my lower lip. And I feel that I could melt any second now. "I know that we are only nineteen, and we've been together only for a couple of days, but I can't explain. When I look at you and think about us and our future, I know we'll be together. I know we are forever." It's hard to keep the tears away from my eyes. "And I know we both had rough days in these weeks, but I believe things will get better, that we'll move on from these bad things. Together."

I believe in him again. It's weird, but I have a feeling that even though we can face bad moments, and we will, eventually, we'll have each other. And that's more than enough for me.

For us.

**Baz **

The silence after my words could worry me if I was not seeing the glint in Simon's eyes and his smile. He pulls my chin and kisses me, and is so different from the others, so calm, gentle and lazy, that we barely move.

"I have something for you." He says.

"Okay." Then he takes me off him and stands going to his side of the room. "I did not agree with this." I say, already missing his warmth. He just laughs.

"Just a sec." He goes through his stuff and comes back with an envelope. I sit and he sits in front of me. "Everything you said, the way you feel, is exactly how I feel too." He looks down for a second, and then looks up, to me. "I was looking through my mother letters yesterday," He starts. "I didn't read anything, I just wanted to see for what moments she wrote every letter." He smiles at me, and I swear, sometimes like now, the world seems to stop. "Anyway, reading the envelopes I saw that she wrote this one to you." He puts the envelope in my lap.

"What?" I'm shocked. "How do you know? How did she know?"

"I just read the envelope." He smiles and turns the envelope so I can read his mother's handwriting.

'To the love of Simon's life'

"Simon …" I start but I don't know what to say. My eyes are watering up. "I don't… I..."

"When I saw it yesterday, I knew I wanted to give it to you, because I know it was written for you. But I didn't want to scare you with this, and then you just said the most amazing things and I knew you were feeling the same as me." He smiles again. "You don't have to read it now, I just wanted to give to you, to show that I mean when I agree with your words. You are my future too." I pull his face to mine.

"I love you." I whisper between our kisses.

"I love you too." He whispers back. "That was a great way of starting the new year." I laugh.

"Yes, it was." I put my letter on my nightstand. I would read it another time. "Do you wanna sleep?" I ask him.

"Actually…" He smirks at me and kisses me again. "I have other plans." He kisses my neck and his mouth awakes me completely.

"I like your plans." I say, trying to contain a moan. He looks to me to give me another smile.

"I think you'll like even more."

And he is right.

I was feeling that this year would be very memorable. And probably, the best of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your thoughts about the last chapter and the whole story?  
I'm very happy in ending this fic, but also sad in leave this Simon and this Baz behind.  
Thank you to everyone who read it and left kudos and comments, I love them all.  
A very happy New Year to all of you, I hope that yours will be as good as Baz and Simon's.  
I hope to see you all in my next fics ;)

**Author's Note:**

> So, what you thougts about the chapter? Leave kudos and comments and tell me ;)


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